【I watched every single work you’ve appeared in. But among your filmography, I was surprised to see that you also acted in a low-budget indie film called [Flight Cloud].
And you even won a supporting actor award from the Tokyo Senior Art Critics Association. You must have been only in your first or second year of middle school then, right? I was honestly shocked.
For someone your age to debut as a theater actor in a troupe and then immediately appear in a low-budget indie film is already an unusual career path and a huge challenge.】
"……."
Kaoru’s indifferent blue eyes caught the sunset and turned faintly red. Remembering the conversation he’d had with Director Gotanda at the café earlier, Kaoru naturally drifted back to memories from three hours ago.
*
"Because I’m an [actor]. I chose it because it was a work I wanted to try as an actor. It was a good experience. In many ways."
"The emotions in the acting you showed in [Flight Cloud]. Did you study it yourself by reading the script?"
At Director Gotanda’s question, Kaoru gave a small nod.
"Yes. I studied the script myself."
"What exactly did you focus on? What kind of boy did you think Shinpei was?"
Kaoru’s blue eyes sharpened as he gathered his thoughts and answered.
"Actually, the character’s background itself isn’t complicated. It’s simple, really.
A teenage boy who wants to spread his talent and chase his dream, but runs away from home because of his parents’ fierce opposition. The resentment he feels, and the sense of betrayal toward the people he loves most in the world, can’t really be put into words. Then he meets a group of delinquent runaways… what people usually call a runaway gang?
As he gets together with peers who are barely surviving day by day in an unstable life, abandoned by the world’s indifference… I think Shinpei must have felt freedom for the first time. Ironically, it was only after he threw away the comfortable life his parents gave him and threw himself into a rough, cruel reality that he felt [freedom].
But that [freedom] was probably nothing more than a mirage. From the very beginning, Shinpei only had one path.
Only when the time came to choose between reality and dreams… Shinpei, who seemed to have become a free adult, ended up taking his parents’ hand when they came back for him, and returned to being a child who needed protection. I thought that moment of choice was the scene that defined who Shinpei was.
In the end, for that boy… even the cruel world was just a kind of escape route, a basis for arguing his case to his parents. For the other boys and girls, that world was their [life] and their [home]… but for Shinpei, it was only a journey that had a place to return to in the first place."
He had been consistently curt and cold throughout their conversation, so Gotanda had never expected him to answer this question with such serious, lively eloquence.
As Kaoru calmly explained the Shinpei he had carefully analyzed and observed on his own, Director Gotanda felt a thrilling pulse rise in one corner of his chest, sending goosebumps up the back of his neck.
But because of his rough, blunt impression, it hardly showed. Swept up in excitement, Gotanda unconsciously clenched and unclenched his right fist as he kept questioning Kaoru.
"I see… So what did you struggle with in order to express that? If you look through all the scenes in [Flight Cloud], Shinpei didn’t have that many lines or that much screen time.
And yet I was able to become completely immersed in the story and emotions Shinpei conveyed.
He got along well with the runaway kids, but in truth—he’d lived most of his life as a flower in a greenhouse. I thought you captured the confusion and gap that came from that really well."
At Gotanda’s question, Kaoru lifted his coffee cup, took a sip, and quietly set it down.
"Yes. Actually… if my memory is right, Shinpei only had nineteen lines in total across the entire film.
And most of them are short and concise in length and rhythm.
So rather than the spoken dialogue itself, I focused more on the emotions and eye acting that rely on visual information.
I thought about how to better express Shinpei’s pathos through facial expressions and movement.
Shinpei didn’t come there sincerely wanting to fit in with that runaway gang.
He kept feeling freedom there, kept reflecting on his own life, kept repeating his inner conflict, and as both an [outsider] and an [insider], he had no choice but to feel the confusion that came from that unstable position.
I tried to pack in as much of that anguish and anxiety as I could… It was my first time, so I was a little clumsy, but I was glad you evaluated it much better than I expected."
"……."
Director Gotanda nodded and lifted his coffee cup. The synopsis placed on the table caught his eye.
When a treasured thing kept close to one’s chest is finally brought out into the world at the most fitting and appropriate time. And at that moment, the person who will make one’s dream come true appears before one’s eyes.
The emotions that brought about… honestly, it was a chain of excitement and exhilaration that made his heart tremble more than any imagination could.
"As a director, and as someone who makes his living in this business, that was an answer I’d wanted to hear at least once. Thank you for answering so seriously.
Well, this is a pointless aside, but the guy who wrote the script for [Flight Cloud] is actually my junior from high school.
That’s why I realized it late.
Why was I hit with such a vivid shock the moment I saw you on TV? Was it just because of your acting skill?
No, it wasn’t just that.
I already knew about you. A junior I ran into by chance mentioned you to me in passing once. Said you were an “incredible guy.”
Back then, I didn’t even know he was talking about you, and I wasn’t interested, so I forgot about it quickly.
Only now do I understand why that self-important bastard said that."
"……."
A faint red starlight flared in Kaoru’s indifferent eyes. Maintaining his usual blunt expression, Gotanda kept sipping his coffee and went on.
"This synopsis is something I carefully polished up for the day I’d eventually… put it on the stove myself.
It’s still raw, not even seasoned properly, let alone cooked. How I’ll cook it, what kind of flavor it’ll have—
It’s nothing more than a scrap of paper with no plan or blueprint yet."
Kaoru deliberately said nothing. Only the faint red starlight in his still-indifferent blue eyes looked back at Director Gotanda.
Gotanda composed his expression, and the brief awkwardness from before disappeared. As a director with a sharp, meticulous eye for [表狀] before him, he continued in a very serious voice.
"It wasn’t even enough to call it a passing brush. It was barely more than dandelion fluff carried off by the wind.
And yet, I never imagined even a year ago that I’d be taking this synopsis out in front of you like this.
Some people might dismiss it as [fate], but this isn’t something you can define with a dictionary word. I understand that now that I’ve experienced it myself.
I’ve developed [desire] after seeing you. I don’t really know what kind of person the actor [Kaoru Kamiki] is in real life, and I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in only one thing.
Just how far does the talent of the actor [Kaoru Kamiki] reach?"
At Director Gotanda’s words, Kaoru’s cold blue eyes glinted brightly.
"So in the end, I’m… your [wish] and your [desire], then."
"If you want to put it that way. So if the chance comes, I plan to make you [cook] it to the best of your ability. I’m curious to the point of obsession, and I’ve gotten greedy. People usually say it makes your mouth water. Sorry if that sounds a little blunt. Occupational habit. Anyway, I haven’t even built the stairs yet, but someday… I’ll make sure it can be brought out into the world. That’s my [dream]."
"But isn’t that just an empty promise that may never happen? Even if you wanted to use me as a safety net and cast me in something else right now, I’m not in a position to accept, and I don’t feel like it either."
"Yeah. I already know that."
Gotanda met Kaoru’s cool gaze and nodded with his blunt face.
"I told you before, didn’t I? You and I clicked. The moment we look at each other, we can tell what kind of person the other is—[oddballs] can size each other up with just one glance."
"……."
"Just making time like this to have such a deep, formal conversation with you is already far from a waste of time for me.
That should be the same for you. You didn’t show me that passion and desire of yours just to toss it off lightly, did you?"
"Who knows."
Kaoru deliberately curved a faint smile at the corners of his mouth and brushed off Gotanda’s words.
As if none of that mattered, now that he had finished what he came for, Gotanda put the synopsis back into his chest pocket and stood up from his chair.
The trace of embarrassment that had once lingered in his blunt expression had already transformed into the charisma of a director looking at the actor before him.
Kaoru quietly lifted his gaze and met Gotanda’s head-on.
Red starlight burning hot within blue eyes.
That starlight crouched deep inside those eyes, radiating with the force of something that could swallow everything whole.
Gotanda engraved that starlight into his mind, then gave a rough little smile at the corner of his blunt mouth and said, "Well then. See you at the next meeting."
*
After finishing his thoughts, Kaoru folded the café receipt neatly several times instead of throwing it away. Then he took out his wallet, slipped it into the slot where Gotanda’s business card was tucked, and muttered, "Didn’t even pay for what he ate himself."
-
Some time passed after his meeting with Gotanda.
After returning to the troupe, Kaoru spent his days very busily. After finishing school, he went straight to the Saito couple’s home for the first time in a while, saw the twins, and brought Miyako dessert.
"…I-it’ll make me gain weight. But thanks anyway~"
Miyako took the dessert box Kaoru had bought while putting on a show of protest. To be honest, Miyako’s figure hadn’t changed much at all.
So Kaoru looked at Miyako and said, "You’re slim, so don’t worry and enjoy it."
"……."
To Kaoru’s surprise, Miyako’s heart thumped so hard that she covered her mouth and burst into tears of emotion.
Why wasn’t the name of such a considerate boy… [Ichigo Saito]…
"Oh?"
For a moment, overwhelmed by childcare stress and having lost her reason, she smacked her own head hard and shook it vigorously.
What was she thinking, having impure thoughts about the beautiful boy who was practically her future son-in-law…!!! She was a married woman, after all! Sure, her husband had plenty of flaws—he was busy, hardly ever came home, and never even called with any tenderness—but still…!
"Uuugh—food is what matters!"
Miyako drowned the pain of her collapsing reason in non-alcoholic beer and slices of cake.
Kaoru washed his hands, pulled out a walker, and walked over to the twins, who were watching Ai’s live stage rebroadcast.
"Aqua! Ruby! It’s Dad!"
"Bababa—baba~"
"…Ba."
Ruby, who had been staring at the TV, saw Kaoru and smiled sweetly while waving. Kaoru was overjoyed by Ruby’s affectionate reaction, but Aqua’s response was still somewhat cold.
Even though they were twins, the daughter and son reacted very differently to their father. Even when he held them or bathed them, it always felt as though they were being forced into their father’s arms.
If his eyes weren’t mistaken, this little son… was very wary of him, his father.
But Kaoru had no intention of giving up.
"Aqua."
"…Ba?"
Kaoru smiled gently and showed Aqua the rabbit doll with the ultimate appearance that Ai had personally knitted and given him back when they were in Miyazaki Prefecture.
"This rabbit doll was made while thinking of you two when you were still in Mommy’s belly. Mom gave it to me as a present when Dad had to go up to Tokyo for a while and we were separated, remember?"
"Baba- ba?!"
"Taa…."
After hearing that, Ruby’s eyes lit up and she rushed over in her walker, flailing her arms as she asked for it.
Aqua… only stared at the rabbit doll without showing any particular reaction.
Kaoru made the rabbit doll in his right hand hop around as if it were a living rabbit, just for his beloved twins.
The twins’ eyes followed the rabbit doll in their father’s hand as it moved this way and that.
"Since it’s a gift filled with Mommy’s love. From now on… Dad will give it to you."
"……."
Aqua stretched out both arms and took the rabbit doll. Ruby, standing beside him, gaped in jealousy, but Aqua ignored her and stared at the doll.
Maybe he liked the gift, filled with his mother’s love and his father’s feelings?
As he held the doll and gently touched it with his hands, Kaoru smiled at his adorable son, lifted a hand, and used his thumb to tidy the bright blond hair that resembled his own.
"When Dad and Mom are too busy to come see you, that doll will always protect our Aqua and Ruby in our place. It’s full of Mommy’s love. Dad guarantees it."
Thinking of the love-filled starlight in his child’s eyes, Kaoru kissed Aqua and Ruby’s plump cheeks one after the other, then opened his arms and hugged the twins tightly before standing up.
By then, Miyako had already gotten tipsy on non-alcoholic beer. Looking miserable, she approached Kaoru, who was getting ready to leave, and said, "You’re leaving now, right?"
"Yes. Please take care of them. I’m really sorry and grateful for always relying on you."
"Yeah… sniff. It’s lonelier when you’re not here, but I’ll do my best."
"Yes. Thank you. Then…"
Kaoru put on his shoes, turned, and grasped the front door handle.
Then, suddenly feeling the gaze from behind him, he looked back again—
"……."
Aqua, clutching the rabbit doll tightly so he wouldn’t lose it, and Ruby, standing beside him and looking at Kaoru with sparkling starlight eyes just like Ai’s, came into view.
At that sight, Kaoru felt an emotion he couldn’t put into words surge up all at once, and he gave a short smile.
He could hardly make his feet move, but Kaoru bit his lip tightly and opened the front door, stepping out of the house.
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