A moonlit night so beautiful the stars seem to hold their breath.
On the veranda at night, my grandfather would sit me on his lap and always say the same thing.
"Kyojuro, you resemble Shōjuro."
The face that comes to mind is faint. It can't be helped. Grandfather was alive a long time ago, when Senjuro was still in our mother's womb.
I don't even know my grandmother's voice. Because she passed away before I was born.
"Especially the eyes. You're the spitting image of Shōjuro."
──Shōjuro was Grandfather's eldest son and Father's older brother, my uncle. He succeeded the Flame Hashira position after Grandfather retired due to injury, but he lost his life on a mission at the age of seventeen, I'm told.
Grandfather often talked about Uncle. When he drank, his stories went on endlessly.
Uncle's personality, his likes and dislikes in food, how much Father looked up to him, what a splendid swordsman he was—and so on. And then.
"Anyway, he was a real glutton. He and Rei used to eat as if they were competing."
Now, compared to Uncle, who was described in such detail, the stories about Rei were very fragmentary.
Grandfather spoke of him as if he were a third son, but all I knew was his name. A corps member who was close with Uncle. That was all I could gather from Grandfather's tales.
I learned a little more about him after Grandfather's funeral.
It was snowing that day. I clearly remember only one thing: a bright full moon hung in the night sky, holding light to its very edges.
I didn't know what it meant to "sink into sentimentality," but when I slipped out of bed in the middle of the night and slumped onto the cold veranda, it must have been from such feelings.
The veranda without Grandfather's lap was just mineral cold. It was Father who spoke to me, shivering in my pajamas.
"Kyojuro, it's cold out."
Normally, Father wouldn't be home at night due to missions, but on that day, he was.
Father picked up my frozen self and sat on the veranda. The same posture Grandfather had once held me in.
Perhaps that's why. I told Father, haltingly, as if recalling memories, what stories Grandfather had shared.
Stories about swords. Stories from when Father was young. Stories from when Uncle was alive.
In the midst of that, I asked about Rei out of sudden curiosity.
I regretted it immediately. Because Father's always majestic eyebrows drooped. I was greatly surprised, as cheerful Father had never looked so dejected.
I grew restless, thinking I shouldn't have asked, and felt sorry, but Father soon regained his usual expression.
And just as I had shared memories with Grandfather, he told me those memories. Slowly, like scattered rain.
"He was a man who smiled dazzlingly, like dawn, and kindly."
A man with hair as white as first snow, and eyes like ruby.
A user of a rare breath named after the moon, not flame, water, or wind.
A splendid swordsman who possessed strength, kindness, and integrity together.
"Back then, I thought the future of the Demon Slayer Corps would be carried by Brother and Rei."
But Father's dream didn't come true. Because Rei was expelled from the corps.
A traitor who used a breath derived from demons. His kind nature, his accumulated achievements—all trampled for that one reason.
Even his unusual appearance was criticized, and some blamed Rei for incidents where demons targeted white-haired, red-eyed people.
"──I was one of them."
Father confessed. In a voice that sounded like repentance.
Wanting to apologize but losing the courage and opportunity, parting without a single word of apology. All that remained for Father was regret. He didn't shed tears, but his eyebrows were weeping.
"You resemble Brother a lot."
Father said the same thing as Grandfather.
His gaze, as if longing for the past, looked very painful, and I remember it was terribly affectionate.
"Become a splendid swordsman, Kyojuro."
The large palm stroking my forehead. A distant, sweet memory like a fantasy. A past I can no longer reach, even in dreams.
──Father changed. All too suddenly. He put down his sword, quit as Hashira, and even gave up teaching us, his successors.
I don't know what happened in Father's heart. I can't know. Because only Father can feel his pain.
"You and Senjuro have no great talent. Don't dream trivial dreams."
It would be a lie to say my heart didn't waver at those cold words spat out so abruptly by Father, who had poured such expectations and passion into us.
Even so, Father.
──Become a splendid swordsman, Kyojuro.
The spark you left behind still burns within my heart.
I still want to believe in you, who believed in me back then.
・
・
・
Not long after joining the Demon Slayer Corps, I learned of the existence of Moon Hashira Tsuyuri Kōgetsu.
A man who uses the same Moon Breathing as the swordsman who once stood shoulder to shoulder with Uncle. Just that fact alone drew my heart to him, even without knowing his face.
Perhaps it stemmed from missing Father, who had told me those past memories that day.
I wanted to talk with him. I hadn't decided what to say.
Even if our positions differed as Hashira and corps member, rumors said he wasn't fixated on rank. He was bright, liked to converse, and was kind, so he probably wouldn't mind if I spoke.
Spending busy days as a corps member, cutting down countless demon heads, I waited only for that day to come. I long awaited the day I would meet him.
And finally, that day arrived, but──
"Then take care of yourself."
Not once, not for a single moment, did he meet my eyes.
Leaving behind only a smile that seemed to look at me but touched nowhere, the Moon Hashira departed. My heart grew cold at that hollow smile, so different from the rumors.
"……Am I hated by the Moon Hashira? What do you think, Iguro!!"
When I asked Iguro lying on the next bed, who was about to fall asleep, he opened one eye as if annoyed. His green left eye glared sharply this way.
He could have just said he didn't know, but considerate Iguro, without annoyance, thought of an answer.
"Being truly hated by that soft-hearted guy would be hard unless you're a pretty skillful villain. Rengoku, do you think you're the skillful type?"
"You still speak too cryptically!"
"I think you're just too blunt."
He probably wanted to imply I wasn't hated. He's not one to tell pleasant lies, even if he twists his words. I wanted to believe him, but.
"……Hmm."
"That's an unconvinced face. Don't tell me you'd rather be hated? Well, if you're hated by him, it'd be utterly miserable. Don't you know the rumors about the Moon Hashira? You'll be invited to the bamboo forest and taste the hellish bamboo thicket. I won't stop you if you have some masochistic tendencies."
"You know even that, Iguro! You must be close with the Moon Hashira. I'm jealous!"
"That's remarkably fluent sleep-talking. Were you sleeping with your eyes open? I'm not close with Kōgetsu. He's just overly kind and nosy, and I've never thought we were particularly friendly. Stop with the creepy talk. Next time you say something like that, I'll sew your mouth shut like a pouch."
"Oho, calling him by name! So you are close!"
"I see, your ears are just for decoration."
Iguro, looking exasperated, turned his back and lay down. Using his arm as a pillow, he continued.
"But certainly…… that guy earlier was a bit different from usual."
"I don't know the usual Moon Hashira, but what's he like normally?"
"……Excessively nosy and overly familiar. Ridiculously bright and annoyingly smiley. Ah, I suppose you could vaguely say he resembles you."
Iguro's finger pointed this way, and Kaburamaru coiled around his neck nodded incessantly.
The more I heard, the less I understood. Why did the Moon Hashira act so coldly toward me? But no matter how much I thought, there was no answer. I was just going in circles.
I quickly shifted my thoughts elsewhere. The first thing that came to mind was tonight's dinner. I heard the meals at the Butterfly Mansion were delicious, so I looked forward to it.
Iguro fell asleep, and I soon followed. I woke to the sound of someone sliding open the door. Opening my eyes to the light, the room was bathed in sunset.
"We've brought your meals."
Appearing with that fragrant smell were three small girls. Two carried trays with food, and the one at the back held a medicine packet.
The girls, tiptoeing as if to compensate for their short stature, placed the trays on the bedside table. Their fluttering butterfly-shaped hair ornaments were adorable.
I heard that Kochou Kanae, the current mistress of the Butterfly Mansion, takes in and cares for children who lost their families to demons and have nowhere to go.
These pitiful girls, who looked barely half Iguro's age, must be staying here for similar reasons.
"Please chew thoroughly."
"Mm, thank you. Iguro! It's mealtime, wake up!"
Igrose woke with a groaning sound, still half-asleep. The girls, faced with the intimidating corps member with a snake, huddled together in fear but desperately tried to do their job.
"Th-there's also medicine to take after the meal."
"This is for Rengoku-san, this is for Iguro-san."
"And, this is after taking the medicine……"
The girl with braided hair took out a small wrapper and handed it over. With a light sound, something rolled out from between the papers placed at the edge of the tray—
"Oho. Looks like candy. Is this also medicine?"
Iguro asked. Its luster, much deeper and more transparent than his right eye, was unmistakably that of a hard candy.
"No, um, that's just hard candy."
"Lord Moon Hashira said…… to give it as a reward if you take your medicine well……"
The girl with a jade-green obi frantically waved her hands as she spoke, and soon the girl with a light red obi, shaking hair that only reached her shoulders, desperately added to the explanation. Behind them, the girl with a pale green obi kept nodding her head.
"It's only this time, so don't tell anyone."
"Then we'll be going now."
"Hey, make sure to take your medicine……!"
Without even a glance at the girls scurrying away like frightened rabbits, Iguro's finger picked up the candy.
His mismatched eyes, gazing at the translucent light in the sunset, also seemed to shine somehow.
"Homemade, huh. Come to think of it, he said he could make candy too."
With that one remark, I understood this was made by the Moon Hashira himself. Iguro, fiddling with it as if appraising a gem, brought the candy to his mouth regretfully. Seeing the candy disappear between the bandages, I couldn't help but exclaim.
"No, Iguro! You haven't even touched your meal, let alone the medicine!"
"Just tasted it. Wondered if the Moon Hashira, who seems to dislike you, might have put something bad in it."
Spitting it out indifferently, Iguro rolled the candy in his mouth silently for a few seconds. Then he glanced at me and snorted dismissively again.
"For something given to someone he doesn't like, it's an excessively elaborate sweetness."
──Every bit of the meal was delicious.
The medicine I took afterward wasn't bitter at all. Unlike Iguro, who was grimacing beside me, the candy I cautiously put in my mouth was a gentle sweetness. A taste that warmed my heart.
＊
"Lord Moon Hashira, we're back~!"
Thus echoed the voices of the three girls in the room. The children with different-colored obis were Naho, Kiyo, Sumi. Like Aoi, they lost their families to demons and were taken in at the Butterfly Mansion.
"Welcome back. Did you finish serving meals to all the patients?"
"Yes, we perfectly served Rengoku-san and Iguro-san too!"
"We properly delivered the medicine too."
"And of course, the candy too."
The girls looked at each other and laughed, saying "Right~!"
There's no special reason for making hard candy for Kyojuro and, incidentally, Iguro.
While worrying that meddling might reveal my existence to Shinjuro through Kyojuro, before I knew it, I was already making it. It was the result of recalling giving it as a palate cleanser to Shinjuro, who teared up at bitter medicine back in my Rei days, and going with the flow of memories.
"About the candy, do this for Shinobu-chan."
"Yes, like this."
"Shh, I'll do it."
"It's a secret."
Putting my index finger to my lips, the three girls nodded with the same gesture.
Even if it doesn't affect the medicine's efficacy, if Shinobu-chan finds out we had sweets after taking medicine, we'll definitely get scolded. Not only the two patients, but I won't get off scot-free either. She'd probably punch me in the gut, like this.
"Then you girls go eat too."
"Aren't you coming, Lord Moon Hashira?"
"I have patrol starting now. I'll eat on my own when I get back."
Under the pretext of helping the Butterfly Mansion while Kanae-chan is away, I've gotten some leeway with missions, but I can't push my assigned area onto others.
"Take care."
"Please be careful."
"I'll make rice balls for you."
Seeing off the three girls, the patrol in my assigned area ended without any particular anomalies or signs of demons. But since the area is so vast, it took that much time.
I left the mansion around 6 p.m., and when I returned, the date had already changed.
Using the advantage of good night vision, I walked down the dark corridor without lighting a lamp. Then──
'……Hmm?'
A faint light leaked from the kitchen I headed to with an empty stomach. Wondering if someone was there, I peeked in and saw twin-tailed hair draped over a desk.
Under the lamplight, she was sleeping, breathing evenly.
"Aoi-chan?"
"Mmm…… ugh…… Gasp!!!"
When I called out, Aoi-chan jumped up in surprise.
Ah, maybe I should have moved her without waking her. Regretting it, Aoi-chan hastily straightened her messy bangs and bowed politely.
"Welcome back. Thank you for your hard work on patrol, Lord Moon Hashira."
"Yeah, I'm back. But why were you here so late at night? You'll catch a cold."
"I heard from Naho that you planned to eat after returning, Lord Moon Hashira. So I was going to prepare it, but…… I'm sorry. I meant to finish preparing by the time you returned, but……"
Aoi-chan bit her lip hard, as if she'd committed a grave mistake.
As she tried to get up, saying "I'll prepare it right away," I hurriedly stopped her.
"It's fine. Look, I have the rice balls Naho-chan and the others made."
"But won't it be insufficient for you, Lord Moon Hashira?"
"It's enough. It's just a late-night snack, so this is fine."
"But you usually eat much more."
"It's really okay. Hey, do I look that gluttonous?"
"Lord Moon Hashira is like a shrew that dies if it doesn't eat, according to Shinobu-sama……"
'Shinobu-chan──?!'
I unintentionally showed the whites of my eyes in an '80s shoujo manga style. My head throbbed with various protests toward her, who wasn't even here.
Am I being treated like a mouse starving to death after just a few hours without food? And how did she know about shrews? Was it in that animal encyclopedia I gave her before?
Ah, come to think of it, Kanae-chan also said, "Kōgetsu-kun is like a squirrel!" With cute illustrations of full cheek pouches. No matter how I struggle, I'm a rodent.
I think comparing a man over 170 cm tall in his growth spurt to a small animal is a bit much.
"I won't starve to death from this, and even if I'm hungry, I can make a meal on my own. Aoi-chan, go to your room and rest, okay?"
"No, I can't rest with a Hashira here. Besides, I'm useless anyway."
Her resolute voice held no waver.
Quickly preparing to boil tea, she truly seemed to believe that.
＊
After that day when I luckily survived seven days on Mt. Fujikasane, I hated it so, so much.
More than hating the demon that killed my family, I hated myself more for running away, valuing only my own life.
"Aoi-chan, is your master great?"
At the sudden question, I turned around.
Sitting politely, Lord Moon Hashira looked at me with serious eyes.
What was he saying all of a sudden? How great it is to become one of the nine core Hashira of the Demon Slayer Corps at his age—surely he knows without me saying it anew.
"Of course."
"Really? Then I can say this too."
Say what?
Tilting my head, Lord Moon Hashira smiled. Like moonlight.
"Aoi-chan, who calmly does things your master can't, is far greater."
"………Huh?"
Unable to understand the sudden words, I stared at him blankly.
With hands hardened from too much training, he began counting on his fingers one by one.
"Cleaning this vast mansion, mountains of laundry, making delicious meals for countless corps members. Nursing the injured who are brought in, helping with recovery training. And on top of that, tending to the garden flowers—even a few bodies wouldn't be enough. If I did the same as Aoi-chan, the day would end before I finished half."
"……Compared to slaying demons, my work is nothing."
Even knowing it was rude to talk back to a Hashira, I couldn't help but say it.
"It's presumptuous to compare with a Hashira. I'm just a coward."
"If you were truly a coward, you would have descended the mountain before the week was up."
His voice was kind, but the retort was swift.
"You tried until the end, right? You didn't run away."
"You're mistaken. I didn't try at all. I just lost my mind from fear and couldn't even think of descending. ……On Mt. Fujikasane, I ran from demons, and even now, I run from missions. I'm hopeless, only running away."
"If you only run away, why are you wearing the corps uniform?"
That question was light as a drifting petal, even innocent.
"It would be much easier to throw off the corps uniform and run away, saying 'I'm not a corps member, so I don't know about selection.'"
"That's……"
Because throwing off the corps uniform would mean running away even from the fact that I ran away. Then there would be nowhere left to run. I could go nowhere.
Because I felt I could never forgive myself until I died── so I wear the corps uniform. A pitiful reason, that's all.
"Aoi-chan is facing yourself head-on."
No.
I'm just glaring. Ever since the selection ended.
I'm just glaring at myself, who couldn't slay demons and ran away.
"No matter how Aoi-chan thinks of herself, I respect you. So I wish you wouldn't speak of yourself that way."
"……"
"What one is good at, what one can do with those hands—it differs for everyone. There's no superiority in the difference of what can be done. If you belittle yourself too much, it makes me sad."
A voice full of affection that reminded me of my parents, covered in blood and dead.
How nice it would be if I could accept his kind words as they are.
But I mustn't. I can't allow that.
"……Thank you."
The squeezed-out words of gratitude carried a tone of apology.
Lord Moon Hashira seemed to feel it too, slightly lowering his eyebrows and slumping his shoulders.
"Aoi-chan."
Calling my name, Lord Moon Hashira stood up and stroked my head. Gently brushing my hair aside, as if soothing a crying baby.
"Don't blame yourself too much. If you push yourself too hard, you'll lose your way and end up going in an unexpected direction."
"……Yes, I'm sorry for causing you worry."
"There's nothing to apologize for."
Even if the words are for me, even if I receive sincere comfort, there's no way I'll change my attitude and start liking myself now.
Can't even hold a sword, can't slay demons, causing trouble even to a Hashira── what on earth do I want to do? Why am I standing here?
I hated myself, a useless coward. Ever since that night of selection, all along, I hated it so, so much.
"Trying hard and tormenting yourself are different. Let's rest properly. Don't push yourself at night, sleep well. If you can't sleep, I'll give you tea to calm your mind, okay?"
But── I felt like the anger in my heart, swearing never to forgive myself, had softened a little.
Thanks to the kind voice resembling my parents and the hand stroking my head. Really, just a little.
Will there ever be a day when I can properly forgive myself?
A day when I can look at myself without glaring, but gazing. A day when I can face forward, someday.
No one can answer that question about the future.
The kettle placed on the fire just hissed.
＊
In front of the kitchen where light leaked out, Tsuyuri Kanao quietly turned her steps away.
Using the advantage of good eyesight, she walked down the dark corridor without a lamp. She had gotten up to use the bathroom and was on her way back.
Just moments ago, she had spotted her brother──Tsuyuri Kōgetsu returning from patrol in the corridor, swept by inexplicable agitation.
Hesitating and hesitating, she left it to fate with a coin and followed her brother, and at the end arrived at the kitchen where her brother and Aoi were talking about something.
Unable to enter the kitchen, she ended up eavesdropping on everything from outside.
Returning to her room, Kanao silently looked at her two hands in the darkness.
What came to mind was those words her brother had given to the troubled Aoi.
──What one is good at, what one can do with those hands—it differs for everyone.
'……What can my hands do?'
I'm clumsy at treatment. Can't cook. Cleaning and laundry take several times longer than others. Aoi's hands do anything as if by magic, but I always hesitate.
I manage recovery training somehow, but without someone directing me, I can't do anything. I can't work like Aoi. I've never properly accomplished anything on my own.
'What are these hands here for?'
No matter how much I look at my hands, there's no answer written, and nothing comes to mind.
For the girl who was empty, continuing to think—constantly engaging with her own heart—was as difficult as threading a needle with her eyes closed.
'……Slay demons.'
After a long, long thought, finally sweating cold sweat, Kanao exhaled.
'Slay demons. That's all I haven't tried yet.'
It wasn't that there was no fear—what if I have no talent and can't do it?
There's no guarantee I can do it well. But that was the only path left.
Kanae. Shinobu. Aoi.
Naho. Kiyo. Sumi.
And, brother.
Thinking of the family connected by butterfly hair ornaments, and the brother connected by blood, a strange feeling wells up. I just vaguely want to do something.
I don't know why I want to do it so much.
The girl cannot name this emotion.
The girl who doesn't know her own heart held a fist of resolve to her chest.
Her heart pounds. Both hands were damp with sweat.
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