After that, I could not lift my head, my face burning even redder than before.
Because after hearing what I said, the Homu Sword Saint had turned his head away, his shoulders trembling.
Well, honestly, compared to what I had said, the things I had done were no different from a child’s.
It had come back and struck me like a boomerang, inflicting even greater emotional damage on me for trying to stand up to him.
Courage, my ass. Right now, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a mouse hole and hide.
It was a miracle I had not died of shame.
[Well, if there is one fortunate thing, it is that.]
"...What is?"
As though he had noticed my state, the Homu Sword Saint cleared his throat and wrote something in his sketchbook, showing it to me.
[If word had reached your father that you were caught smoking, it surely would have been irreversible.]
"...No, I do not think so."
Only after letting everything inside me out was I able to make a calm judgment.
Even if my father had been summoned because I was caught smoking, he would not have come in person.
He would certainly have sent a secretary or a lawyer as his representative.
[Would he?]
As if he had read my thoughts, he wrote those meaningful words in his sketchbook and showed them to me.
"Are you saying I am wrong?"
I snapped at those words.
No matter that he had helped ease my feelings, this was one thing I could not back down on.
It had been ten years.
I had spent ten years watching my father’s back.
This was not something someone who had known me for only one day could speak of with such certainty.
[Have you ever even once asked your father to have a meal with you?]
"That..."
His words left me speechless.
Because, honestly, I never had.
There had been just one time when I had gathered the courage to stand before my father.
What had my father’s gaze been like as he looked at me then?
At first, a glimmer appeared in his eyes, and for a brief moment, hope bloomed in me.
Yes, only for a very brief moment.
As though my suddenly blocking his path had startled him, the instant he realized who I was, he looked down at me as if I were something utterly worthless.
The moment I felt my breath catch at that gaze, I was overwhelmed by the fear rising inside me. I lowered my head and could not say a single word.
[You could not bring yourself to say it in the end, because you were afraid of being rejected.]
"...Yes."
My father looked down at me for a moment, then passed by without a word. Because of that, I never did such a thing again.
I came to think that, to my father, I was not even a child worth speaking a single word to, even if I stood in his way.
[But that is not all.]
"It is not all...?"
[Yes. Do you know what trauma is?]
"Trauma?"
Trauma.
It was said to derive from the Ancient Greek word τραῦμα, meaning a major wound, and that the modern word “trauma” came from it as well.
People commonly think of trauma as the psychological anxiety or pain one suffers when emotions from the past resurface after a situation resembling a fear they once experienced occurs again.
But why bring up trauma?
"...Surely you do not mean I have trauma?"
[Exactly.]
"That is ridiculous."
Ordinarily, did trauma not mean being unable to act properly and panicking when faced with circumstances similar to the event that had caused one mental injury?
The reason was that, even though the injury belonged to the past, the shocking memories of that time resurfaced, making a person unconsciously avoid activities or places they had experienced.
As I understood it, trauma could even affect one’s daily life in severe cases.
"I am not that bad, though?"
[Hmm. First, I suppose I should explain what you are misunderstanding about trauma.]
"Misunderstanding?"
[It is a common misconception. What you know is also a symptom related to trauma, but more precisely, it is closer to PTSD.]
"PTSD..."
[And trauma does not necessarily manifest only as the extreme reactions you are imagining.]
—Past experiences can make someone afraid of certain situations, or cause them to view themselves negatively.
"By certain situations, you mean...?"
[For example, when someone is deeply emotionally wounded and begins to think poorly of themselves.]
"That counts as trauma too?"
[Yes. Wounds received during one’s formative years, in particular, can affect one’s later behavior and relationships.]
I had not known that.
The only trauma I knew of was the kind suffered by people who could not live normally in certain situations.
But judging by what he said, emotional wounds could affect a person’s later behavior too.
In other words, wounds I had not even noticed might already be lingering in my heart.
"Then I have trauma too?"
[In my judgment, yes.]
"Then what kind of trauma do I have?"
[That, even I do not know.]
"...Pardon?"
What?
Was this really the same person who had been speaking as though he knew everything about my current situation?
As I stared blankly at the Homu Sword Saint in response to that absurd answer, he shrugged, wrote in his sketchbook, and showed it to me.
[Even I only know what I know. I do not know everything.]
"That does not match the way you have acted so far, though?"
[Did I not tell you? You were simply too easy to read.]
At those words, which were brazen in their own way, I instinctively pressed a hand to my forehead and sighed.
No, strictly speaking, he was not wrong... He really was not wrong, but...
"Could I hit you just once... just once?"
[Well, there is no need to be in such a hurry. You will have to hit me once anyway.]
"...What?"
The instant I was about to ask what that was supposed to mean, he handed me a wooden sword from goodness knew where.
When I looked down at it, then back at him as if asking what it meant, he waved the hand holding the sword, urging me to take it.
[Honestly, I do not need to know what kind of trauma you have.]
"Then why have you been talking about trauma all this time...?"
[All I can do is help you obtain the means to solve it.]
I looked at him with puzzled eyes at his increasingly incomprehensible words, but he rose from his seat and picked up another wooden sword.
A wooden sword engraved with [Lake Toya].
[What you truly desire must be won through your own strength.]
"What does that...?"
[It is time for mental training, Raiden Mei.]
—Now, take up your sword.
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