Aoba!
Oba, who died from acute rhabdomyolysis (not really)!
What was the cause of that tragic death?
"No, wait! Why was Oba, who should have been in China or Everland, walking across a crosswalk?"
"He said the registered mail notice for his draft notice had been held for pickup, so he was on his way to the post office."
"Then the Self-Defense Forces? Or the Chinese army?"
"Actually, sorcerers are exempt."
"Why! You cowardly sons of gods! So that’s how it is! You rip out your own teeth and wreck your ACL to get exempted, then just recover with Cursed technique reversal, huh~~!!"
"Hey, that’s not the issue. If a sorcerer starts spraying cursed energy and bullets everywhere, who’s going to stop them?"
"That’s way too realistic!"
"With great power comes great responsibility, but I guess the duty to defend the nation doesn’t apply! What a shame, Uncle Ben! A commoner who died from a single bullet that everyone can dodge and block!"
Enough chatter.
The trial begins.
"Plaintiff, Okkotsu Yuta!"
"Yes!"
"Witness, Choso!"
"...."
"Choso?"
"You just kicked him out!"
"Ahaha☆"
There was a minor screwup where the witness got kicked out, but the trial had to go on.
Next up, the defense and the prosecution!
"Defense attorney, Higuruma Hiromi!"
"Ddu-dyadya dduu-dyai (Death Painting Wicker Basket will become GOSU)!"
"What’s wrong with him?"
"He got hit by [Unlimited Void] during Gojo Satoru’s Shibuya massacre... sob...."
"Ah... he has a painful backstory. Sorry."
"I don’t know what kind of prejudice you have against people with intellectual disabilities, but that’s discrimination. People like you are blocking the social advancement of the disabled with a glass ceiling!"
"Ddu-dya (I agree. Why are you questioning my ability? I’m a genius who passed straight through the Tokyo University judiciary, so you need to respect me.)."
"What am I supposed to do with that! And somehow the meaning gets across just fine!"
"Prosecutor, Maki/Mai!"
"Hai!"
Is it Maki or Mai? A swordsman or a prosecutor? That is the question.
Maki, who wields a sword and cuts people down. Mai, who wields the sword of justice and throws people in prison. Which one is it?
For the record, it’s Mai right now.
"If you hold a sword, you have to cut him down. If you don’t hold a sword, you have to indict him."
"Pick one, damn it!! And I hate both!"
"Nowadays, having two jobs is trendy. You’re annoying, so death penalty for you."
"We haven’t even started the trial yet?!"
The Shibuya Incident courtroom, spinning round and round in utter chaos.
Among all these people, who is the most important~~~?
With Bollywood-style direction added in, dance and song mingle together, and through that gap the protagonist appears.
"It’s obviously me!"
"?"
The defendant Takaba’s face was shown on the screen.
Yes. On the screen.
He hadn’t shown up in person, but was trying to game the trial through a Zoom meeting—a mindset beyond MZ, straight into M(iddle)Z(oom) energy!
His desire to preserve the legacy of the COVID era all the way into the present deserves praise, but this is a sacred courtroom, so I’ll skip the flowery rhetoric.
"Defendant Takaba, do you admit to having assigned Oba excessive training during work?"
"Waaah~~ Kenjakuemon! Maki’s bullying me!"
He declared he was giving up his defense the moment he appeared!
"You should be saying that to Higuruma."
Before anyone knew it, Higuruma had sensed defeat and was already making a reverse charge and running for his life.
As expected of the legendary lawyer with a -100% win rate.
"Aaaah~~!! There’s a lawyer like that~~!!!"
As Takaba screamed and slammed his shotgun down with a bang, the screen went dark.
They say machines get fixed if you hit them, but you have to know your limits.
With a bored expression, Kenjaku picked his nose while Maki solemnly demanded the trial’s end.
"There’s no lawyer, so let’s just end this trial. Judge."
"That sounds like a hassle. Sure, let’s do that. I want to get off work early. Today’s the day my favorite manhwa returns."
"It’s already the end of Season 1. Your beloved masterpiece will NEVER come back, idiot!"
"Wait! My defense isn’t over yet!"
The screen lit back up with a pop, and the defendant reappeared!
Takaba still seemed to have something to say.
He should just give up already. Doesn’t he know his own situation yet?
Everyone except you wants to go home.
"Go on, let’s hear it."
"The reason Oba died was...."
What could it be?
Drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll.
"Because he ate meat!"
???
"A panda that had been eating bamboo and fruit suddenly ate meat and collapsed from indigestion! How about that, am I wrong?"
"Pandas are omnivores, you idiot."
"According to research, pandas are omnivores, but due to a genetic issue they can’t taste meat!"
Suddenly, as Takaba brandished a paper he’d pulled out from somewhere and made a professional-sounding argument, the mood flipped.
Oh, really? I see! Maybe that’s trueoo~~!!
The spectators, nodding along as they stood up, each held a placard advocating vegetarianism.
"All of this happened because of the ribs!"
"You meat-eaters are creatures that should not exist."
"Everyone, let’s go out and shout for peace right now!"
Not a defense, but incitement.
The members of the civic group, already irritable from hormonal imbalance because they couldn’t eat meat, did not miss their chance to unleash their rage.
Foam like green vegetable juice frothing at their mouths, they surged out and began launching indiscriminate physical attacks on the signs of meat restaurants visible on the street.
"Stay away from meat and eat healthy vegetables, you monkeys!"
And among them was Kenjaku, who was supposed to be serving as the judge.
"What are you doing if you go out there!"
"Then the victory belongs to me, the survivor♣"
A sword flew toward Takaba’s obnoxiously grinning face.
Maki, having switched from prosecutor to swordswoman, had drawn her blade to punish the criminal.
Bang!
"What are you doing!"
"No questions asked!"
Shockingly, the moment the tablet split in half, Takaba popped out from inside it as if he’d been waiting for this all along.
Was this an homage to the classic film Ring?
"No! It’s the technology of Cyberpunk Tokyo 2077!"
"Aah!"
"How is that even possible!"
"There are heights the ignorant modern world doesn’t know...!"
Before anyone knew it, the sword in Maki’s hand had turned into a beam saber.
Like a Jedi in a movie, Maki chased Takaba while slashing wildly in all directions.
Takaba evaded that fierce assault with a bizarrely stop-start posture.
"Sandevistan!"
"It’s a basic implant, rookie!!"
"Where did you get that! Military Sandevistan should be strictly prohibited from being taken out!"
"I bought it cheaply from a nearby ripperdoc for 15 dollars. Actually, this is a Sandebisikan."
Instead of cheap junk, a Sandebisikan.
What a resonant display of cost-performance.
For Takaba, the warm-hearted man of capitalism whose Carrot Market temperature was a blazing 100 degrees, getting hold of one wasn’t that hard.
Thud!
"[Slow]... cough."
"You got hit!"
But even if it was a cheap knockoff, it was still cheap.
In front of Maki, a natural-born Sandevistan user born with Heavenly Restriction, a cheap knockoff was just a cheap knockoff.
It was the same as truffle oil with a tiny bit of synthetic truffle added being inferior to the real thing. The inevitable law of the world.
"Tch... So I can’t beat someone from a naturally strong body background! This damned class gap!"
Takaba knelt, cursing his parents for not giving him a sturdy body.
Just as victory seemed about to go to Maki, an intruding hand appeared!
"Jajisbojis, no, partner! Eat this!"
Whoosh!
The charging Kenjaku tossed a strange fruit in his hand to Takaba.
Its skin had a spiral pattern on it, and just looking at it made your appetite vanish, making it seem perfect for dieting.
One bite and anyone would gag and complain that it tasted awful...
Crunch
"Huh?"
It’s delicious.
"Why is it delicious?"
"Jehahahahaha! That’s the Power-Power Fruit! It tastes way better than a normal Devil Fruit! And you can swim too!"
"Damn it, Kenjaku! I like you!"
The Power-Power Fruit (fake), said to be the most vicious of the Paramecia-type Devil Fruits.
Takaba, stuffing his face with it like Jung Jun-ha losing his mind over an undercooked kimchi pancake, trembled at the power surging through his whole body.
"Whee-hahahahaha! This is good!"
"Thank goodness...."
"Whee-hahahahaha!! Whee-hahahahahaha!!"
"...?"
"Whee-hahahahaha!! I can’t stop laughinghahahahaha!! Why is this happeninghahahahahat!"
The side effects of SMILE were already showing up.
If this got out, Takaba might really start a rebellion.
Before Takaba could self-destruct from a laughing fit, Kenjaku straightened his red cap and gave the attack order.
"Go, Takaba! Desperate tackle!"
"Takatakahahahahat!"
Slip!
"Kyaaaahohahahahaha!"
Takaba, charging while laughing, slipped on something on the floor and fell.
The hit rate for Desperate Tackle should have been 100%!
There had never been such blatant cheating.
"Kenjaku’s vision went black...!"
"The Nuzlocke challenge is over. I guess we’ll have to let level 50 Takaba go."
"Don’t abandon animals so casually!"
"Bye-bye, Takaba! You have to live bravely in the wild too!"
Looking around to analyze the cause, he saw that the floor was already slick with blood.
Who on earth did this?
Suddenly, blades burst up from the blood and stabbed Takaba in the butt.
Thud!
"Agh-aaaah!"
"You’re in pain from just that much?"
"Choso!"
Without even a chance to laugh at Takaba’s slapstick, the one who leaped into the battlefield was the eldest son, Choso.
"Your pain? That’s nothing!"
"Hey, what do you know! Have you ever gotten a vaccine shot and had your arm burned with a fire needle?!"
"Compared to that, the pain of being born unwanted, then 150 years after that...! The suffering our Death Painting Wicker Basket brothers had to endure...!"
He poured into it the resentment of being forcibly imprisoned for 150 years and cut off from the world, a policy of isolation he himself never chose.
As Choso swept his hand, the blood scattered around him gathered into one place and formed a sphere.
Exploding Blood Orb.
He was playing along with Takaba’s gag, but Choso had not given up even once since entering this space.
'Any technique has a weakness.'
He couldn’t leave it to Okkotsu, who had already been pushed hard from the start and was barely hanging on.
Thanks to Maki/Mai continuously creating openings, he’d been able to close in to point-blank range.
'Your technique is the embodiment of imagination. But this also feeds back on my imagination!'
By the time this space ended, it would probably be when that guy was satisfied with his own gag.
Hadn’t he enjoyed himself enough already? It was about time he got tired of it.
So the ending would be a flashy explosion finale.
But Takaba was far more tenacious than Choso expected.
"Take this, my trump card!"
"?!!"
What Takaba pulled out was a spray bottle.
As he sprayed the liquid inside with a hiss-hiss, the red [Exploding Blood Orb] began to tint and shine brightly.
"What the hell are you doing..!"
"Luminol solution. You haven’t watched the CSI series for kids, have you?"
Isn’t it common knowledge that blood sparkles when you spray luminol solution on it?
Choso’s trump card was rendered useless, and all that remained there was a sparkling idiot holding a glowing mirror ball.
"Look, Kenjaku! I’m gonna show you something awesome!"
"What is it, big bro?"
"Glowing Choso!"
A shining glow star belongs in the night sky.
And just like that, he shot off cleanly—
Bang!
"My pitiful life~~!!!"
Hit by Takaba’s no-spin shot, Choso flew away and became a star in the sky.
The stars strewn across the night sky seemed to form his shape and give a thumbs-up.
Sparkle!
'This damned...!'
-Sister, let’s just quit. At this rate there’s no answer.
'I was already planning to!'
As Choso retired, Maki also threw off the mask of playing along with the skit and charged at Takaba with desperate resolve.
This wouldn’t be enough to bring him down, but if they kept wasting their stamina and mental energy playing along like this, it was better to do something, anything.
Now was the chance, while Choso’s grinning constellation in the night sky had everyone distracted!
Slash!
With a single sword strike, Takaba’s head fell.
Just when she thought this clown show was over,
"When did I ever say I wasn’t using [Kyoka Suigetsu]?"
Takaba had already hooked Maki with an illusion.
The fake Takaba turned to dust and scattered into the air, and before she knew it, cherry blossom petals were falling in front of Maki’s eyes.
With the simulation veering off script, Maki’s imagination fed back once again, and a resonance of souls occurred.
"You didn’t shout [Bankai]!"
"What kind of person yells a startup phrase when attacking!"
Come to think of it, that’s true.
So realistic! So meticulous! I’m so impressed by that logic I’m starting to admire it!
As expected of the king of comedy, Takaba!
"One second from now, you’ll shout, ‘Was this part of the plan too, JoJo!’"
"Was this part of the plan too, JoJo!"
"Secret technique—Nanto Seiken!"
Papapap!
Takaba’s finger bullets pressed and passed over the pressure points on Maki’s body.
Nanto Seiken! A fearsome fist technique of instant death, even the name itself terrifying!
Was her body going to explode and die now?!
"You are already..."
"You are already...!"
"a cat."
"Meow?"
So it wasn’t Nanto Seiken, but Nanto Cat Fist!
What a world!
"Myaa..."
-So cute.
"Meow!"
The elite Takaba, in a lab coat, picked up Maki, who had instantly become a cat, and let go of the back of her neck.
Before falling by instinct, Maki flipped her body and landed upright.
"So... the hypothesis that cats always land on their feet no matter how high you drop them was correct!"
Takaba, making a fuss, pulled a slice of bread from inside his underwear.
Chap-chap, he rubbed one side of the bread against the remains of Choso’s legacy still flowing on the floor—fluorescent blood—then hung it on Maki’s back.
"Murphy’s Law, Chapter 1. A jam-covered slice of bread will always land jam-side down."
"Nyaa?"
"Then what happens if you connect this to a cat!"
Will the cat fall on its back? Or will the bread stay hanging as is?
The answer can only be found by testing it.
As always, putting imagination into practice is what drives human progress.
"Go!"
"Myaaaan!!"
The result was—
Wheeeeeeeeee!!!
"Hooray!!"
Neither the cat nor the bread ever falls to one side or the other.
An abnormal phenomenon caused by the collision of the world’s obvious laws.
With the bread strapped to her back, Maki-nyan began spinning through the air at tremendous speed.
"Damn it, partner! This is Nobel Prize material!"
"I invented perpetual motion!!"
With this, they could generate electricity at any time, food production would become abundant, and a world where no one got hurt would be completed...!
In the end, they would reach the utopia of their dreams!
He felt like patting himself on the head for making such an incredible discovery.
Crackle!
But first attempts are always unstable.
Takaba still hadn’t come up with a clear theory to stabilize this perpetual motion.
In other words, this had been created purely by chance, and chance never lasts long.
"Uh, what’s going on with this guy?"
Kzzzzzzzt!!
As Maki-nyan and the bread, which were generating perpetual motion, surpassed the speed of light and began to brush against the realm of quantum mechanics, tremendous energy was produced.
Plasma, high temperature, and intense heat erupted, and it reached a state just before explosion!
"Uh! What do we do!"
"What do you mean what do we do! Run, run, run~~!!"
Someone was watching Kenjaku and Takaba, who had begun convulsing and flailing around.
It was Okkotsu, who had done nothing since entering the courtroom after running out of cursed energy.
"......"
Choso had become a star in the sky.
Maki had met a mad scientist and become the material for perpetual motion.
What terrible luck....
The explosion couldn’t be avoided.
He could feel the end approaching.
And he could feel that it would lead to their defeat.
"Ha...."
There was no way to respond.
How are you supposed to beat that?
When he had abilities like an omnipotent god in here.
"Ha. Hahaha."
Okkotsu stopped thinking.
"Hahahahahahahaha!!"
Takaba’s prophecy came true.
The moment he gave up on fighting, Okkotsu could laugh from the heart.
A third-rate comedian made a special-grade sorcerer burst out laughing.
"Hahahaha!"
Boom!
At last, when the unstable perpetual motion exploded, Okkotsu’s mind reached its limit.
As Takaba’s technique ended, satisfied from all the fun he’d had, they were blown out and flung away.
Crash!
Every one of them looked utterly wrecked.
Through his fading consciousness, he could see Takaba’s back as he ran off with Kenjaku in tow.
"......"
The mission had failed.
--------------------------------------
Okkotsu Yuta vs. Kenjaku.
Okkotsu wins.
Maki/Mai vs. Zenin Naoya.
Maki/Mai wins.
Choso vs. Uraume.
Choso wins.
Okkotsu Yuta, Choso, Mai/Maki vs. Takaba Fumihiko.
Takaba Fumihiko’s overwhelming victory.
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