"Hello♥"
Fuck, am I still dreaming?
I was definitely sleeping soundly in a corner of the airship.
So why had that clown bastard’s face suddenly appeared right in front of me?
"You were sleeping so peacefully, I couldn’t wake you♠"
Don’t lie, you son of a bitch.
You’ve got a playing card in your left hand behind your back, what the hell do you mean?
I immediately used Nen to reinforce my entire body.
Fuck, no matter what, isn’t sneaking up on someone while they’re asleep a little much?
What are you, a Zoldyck? Coming here to assassinate me?
They say people who are madly in love start to resemble each other. Now that I looked at him, this bastard looked an awful lot like Illumi.
Just look at how shameless he was.
"...It would do neither of us any good to cause a commotion, would it?"
You fucker. If you start shit here, the examiners and even Netero will come. Can you handle that?
Forget failing the exam—your head will get blown off.
Are you going to die without even seeing Gon and Killua, whom you cherish so much, grow up?
So please let me off.
Fuck, I’m really sorry.
I won’t act up anymore. Not that I ever did, but I won’t even let myself catch your eye.
Please forget I exist....
"Yeah♣ That’s why I only came to say hello this time◆ My injuries haven’t fully healed yet, either♠"
To show that he had no intention of hurting me, Hisoka raised both hands. I could see every card you hid around your wrists with Texture Surprise, you bastard.
Still, this guy really was human after all.
Then again, I had blown a million Jenny on him. If he were fine after that, he’d be Meruem.
At that point, the manga’s genre would change entirely.
From a battle shonen laugh straight into cosmic horror.
The setting would become Dungeon Where Madness Comes, Part 3.
But if that happened, would this old man’s bank balance just vanish?
"I apologize for your injuries. I wasn’t in any position to show mercy under the circumstances."
But this clown bastard was in a completely different league even while running around injured.
So, in consideration of a newbie, let’s say this handicap is acceptable.
"Yeah, that’s fine◆ I was the one who picked the fight first... I have no intention of holding you responsible, old man◆ For the time being, I’m going to focus on recovering too♣"
At least he wasn’t trying to pull insurance fraud.
Was I supposed to call that conscientious?
Thanks a fucking lot, asshole.
"Then I’ll gratefully accept your consideration. We’re done now, yes?"
Now that you’ve said your piece, fuck off.
And never come back.
If possible, don’t even recover. Go die at Chrollo’s hands.
Just don’t die to Meruem.
If he fights you, that ant bastard might learn some seriously weird shit and have a second awakening.
Meaning that I was going back to sleep, I wrapped myself in the blanket I had brought along temporarily.
Yet even after I had been under the blanket for quite a while, for some reason this clown bastard didn’t leave. He just stared at me intently.
"...?"
Fuck. Was there something on my face?
Or was he actually pissed about being injured?
Or was he waiting for something?
Just in case, I reinforced my aura like crazy. He might have been looking for a place to shove one of his cards.
But seriously, he was staring like crazy.
What, could he see a Hollow behind me?
We fear that which we cannot see... Since when did you think I had been watching you?
"You’re making me uncomfortable by staring like that... Do you still have business with me?"
I couldn’t honestly tell him he was being fucking obnoxious, so I asked in the Kyoto style.
You are being terribly rude right now. Don’t you feel like correcting your behavior? You can still be forgiven if you do it now.
Unfortunately, Hisoka wasn’t from Kyoto. He definitely wasn’t from Osaka, either.
He was just a psycho.
"When will you fight me again?♥"
"I won’t."
I’d fight Netero before I fought you.
At least that old man would send me off painlessly in one hit.
"Then that’s a problem....♠"
You fuck.
What a perverted bastard.
How the hell did he make it feel like his aura was licking my aura?
Fucking asshole.
Goddamn clown bastard.
This feels fucking disgusting. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
I wanted to pull out a coin and scrape my skin off right then and there.
Not my skin, of course. His.
"Then I... have no choice but to be spiteful♣"
The moment he finished speaking, Hisoka stabbed at my thigh with the card stuck to his left wrist.
No, he tried to stab me.
Had his left wrist—and the card with it—not been caught in my hand.
"....♥"
This fucking bastard. I knew he’d betray me immediately.
Did you think I’d ever let my guard down around you?
"Didn’t you say you had no intention of causing a disturbance?"
I spoke fairly loudly, loading even aura into my voice.
Mr. Pringles! Chairman Netero! Menchi! Look over here! This bastard is trying to kill someone!
Hurry up and save me!!!
"But you keep avoiding me♠"
That’s because you keep trying to kill me...
Fuck, who in the world would get friendly with someone trying to murder them?
The way he said it so hurtfully almost made me think I had done something wrong for a second.
This wouldn’t do.
I needed to make myself absolutely clear, or he’d keep being a pain in the ass.
Let’s talk to him in the tone of an old man troubled by a kid who keeps following him around.
"There are many people besides me who could entertain you. Take a good look around you."
An old man like me isn’t suitable as a romantic partner. Why not find someone else?
"Someone closer to your own age would be even better. You could be a good influence on each other."
You should date someone younger... You shouldn’t go liking an old man like this.
If possible, find someone your own age whom you can spend the rest of your lives being lovey-dovey with. Forget someone like me.
"As you grow, you won’t even think of someone like me anymore."
You get it now, right?
I gave him the exact same speech I had once given a fairly young girl who had pursued me a few years ago.
She had realized what she was doing and turned red.
I thought I had looked rather grown-up, so I remembered the lines.
I never thought I’d use them on this bastard, though.
"Aha♣"
See?
Didn’t this bastard also look as though he had realized something?
It must have hit him like a shock to the head.
Right.
There was Illumi, the Zodiac, and if nothing else, that volleyball-playing guy on Greed Island, wasn’t there?
Go fight to your heart’s content with people who like you there.
I’m too old to play with you... Huh?
Fuck, why was his bloodlust getting thicker?
Why was his face turning dark?
His aura was becoming more and more sinister. To what extent? His bloodlust was piercing straight through the aura wrapped around me and stabbing into me.
It fucking stung.
I think I’m fucked.
What do I do?
I didn’t deliberate long.
I immediately grabbed his shoulders. I even dispelled the aura around my body. Otherwise, this overly sensitive Hisoka bastard would counterattack at once.
"Hisoka."
"Yeah♠"
The piercing bloodlust intensified.
Yet the reason he didn’t attack me was that killing me while I was defenseless would give him nothing.
He was, above all else, a battle maniac who took pleasure in life-or-death fights.
Without a fight, the act of killing was nothing but slaughter to him.
‘Then why the fuck are you doing this to me?’
Something had clearly gone wrong, seeing how he still threw a fit even when I made it clear I had no intention of fighting. I just didn’t know where it had gone wrong.
But figuring out the cause could wait.
First, I had to salvage this situation.
"None of the examiners were bounty Hunters or Hunters specializing in combat, correct?"
As far as I knew, Mr. Pringles was a relic Hunter who respected Gon’s father, Jin Freecss. Menchi and the pig duo from the second phase were Gourmet Hunters.
"And yet, they possessed enough martial ability to draw your interest. Because for a professional Hunter, combat ability is simply a matter of course."
Hisoka was listening to me, but he did not look particularly patient.
Have some patience, asshole.
Even cup noodles need three minutes to cook.
"Which means that in the coming exams, there will surely be a task meant to assess the applicants’ combat power."
"!!!♥"
You bastard. Don’t get hearts in your eyes just from hearing the word combat.
This guy was seriously fucking insane.
"If such a test awaits us, and a situation arises where you and I must face each other... I will not avoid you then, either."
—You can wait that long, can’t you?
"...Fine♥ It’s a promise, then?◆"
Only then did Hisoka rein in his utterly murderous air.
Honestly, I was fucking scared.
If I hadn’t known what kind of person Hisoka was in the original story, I would have thought, I’m fucked, and unleashed an All-My-Assets Explosion right there.
Even if I survived, it wouldn’t have been much of a life.
Hisoka calmed down as though his previous lunatic fit had been a lie.
To the point where, if someone saw him, they might think he was a clown cultivating enlightenment.
He got to his feet and said,
"Sorry for disturbing you◆ Make sure you rest well until the third phase◆ See you♣"
Fuck.
Was this bastard bluffing?
No. He had been dead serious about stabbing me.
This motherfucker was both sincere and full of shit at every moment of every day, so I could never tell.
‘Hisoka! Since when was it all bullshit? Answer me!’
‘Everything.’
Hisoka left looking genuinely refreshed.
Fuck, did I just get played?
I had no fucking idea how much of this had been a setup from the start.
Come to think of it, I had promised with my own mouth that I would fight this bastard.
Motherfucker. What a goddamn mess.
I had dug my own grave.
"Should I call old man Zeno?"
If I threw my entire fortune at the old man and asked him to kill someone, wouldn’t he kill someone like Hisoka for me?
"Hm? Zeno? You mean that Zeno Zoldyck?"
Jesus, you startled me.
"Chairman Netero?"
He had appeared without making a single sound.
Did this old man receive assassination training too?
"So you’re the Zoldyck Family’s butler. Zeno has mentioned you to me a few times."
What? Why would he talk to you about me?
Did he put out an assassination contract on me?
Otherwise, there was no reason for me to come up. I was just a butler.
"I hear you can handle two Nen categories at once? And at a full hundred percent output, too. Despite not being a Specialist."
Ah. That.
I was wondering what it was.
Well, regardless of how absurdly skilled the old man was, Chairman Netero’s knowledge of Nen was greater.
It made sense that he’d ask about something like that.
"Hmm... Seeing it in person, it is certainly strange. Outwardly, you appear to be an Enhancer, yet you have aptitude for one more category as well."
That’s because I’m possessed.
Maybe it’s because my original aptitude was different.
If I said that, he’d probably give me a fucking psychological autopsy with Nen.
Let’s just vaguely brush it off.
"I don’t know, either. Perhaps there is something about Nen that has yet to be discovered? Maybe fulfilling certain conditions increases one’s aptitude in another category..."
Fuck, that sounded suspicious as hell.
Even I thought it was a suspicious excuse, but Chairman Netero merely nodded and did not probe any further.
He must have gone and done some intense exercise, because he only headed straight for the shower room.
What a relief.
I didn’t want to get on that old man’s radar either.
He might look normal on the surface, but...
There was no way an old man who threw ten thousand punches a day was normal.
He was definitely hiding a screw loose somewhere.
Still, he deserved points for at least pretending to be normal.
But the timing was fucking legendary. How did Netero show up right after Hisoka left...
Motherfucker.
That Hisoka bastard. He knew Netero was coming and let me go.
Fuck.
Then I wouldn’t have died even if I had just stayed still.
Fuck.
Fuck.
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