Truth is crafted by mixing lies with reality.
The truths one wishes to hide are veiled by truths laced with falsehoods.
I had no choice but to play the card of an incomplete truth to keep the real one hidden.
What I told Hitokawa was true.
According to the hospital, my symptoms were a form of panic disorder.
Without warning, extreme anxiety would surge through me. Even though my body was perfectly healthy, my heart rate would spike and I’d break out in a cold sweat, reacting as if I were physically ill.
The trigger for my panic was "death."
Anything that evoked the concept of death stimulated my anxiety. I first realized this shortly after my father’s funeral.
Once Eto’s teeth began to grow, the images of the corpses I encountered started to overlap with the memory of my father.
The accumulated images of the dead, sparked by my father's passing, came crashing over me like a tsunami. For a long time, I couldn't even sleep at night.
Smashed skulls, intestines spilling out, rotting skin, broken bones piercing through flesh, maggots feasting on eyes...
Those images became me, then my father, then Hitokawa, then Mr. Kuzen... eventually, even Eto appeared as a corpse in my dreams, waking me from my sleep with repeated screams.
The very existence of death—the mere concept of it—terrified me.
It felt as though the instinctive human aversion to death had been amplified several times over.
I decided to tell Hitokawa about this burden I had been carrying alone.
I didn't want to, knowing it would only cause unnecessary worry, but if I didn't reveal this now, I wouldn't be able to conceal the more important truth.
"I visited some suicide spots."
"...! Hey, you...!!"
As Hitokawa's face twisted with anger, I hurriedly raised my hand to cut him off.
"Calm down. I didn't go there to kill myself. I just went to try and fix my condition."
I slipped in a small lie there.
I replaced my original purpose for visiting those sites with a different reason.
"People who commit suicide give up on life and choose death, right? I thought if I tried to see things from their perspective, maybe this extreme fear of death would disappear."
"Even so, you went to a place like that...?"
"How desperate do you think I was to do something like that?"
"Then why did you run from the police?"
"When I heard about the murder case, I started having a panic attack. At first, I intended to cooperate with the questioning, but I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't take it, so I just ran."
"Hmm..."
Hitokawa frowned and scratched his head vigorously.
He seemed to want to press me further, but since the conversation touched on such a sensitive personal matter, he hesitated.
Unless he interrogated me in detail, it would be difficult to spot the lie hidden in my words. I felt a wave of relief, knowing I had bought myself some breathing room.
"I know it's my fault the CCG misunderstood. Can't this be explained away?"
"If you aren't a Ghoul, that can be proven with a single drop of your blood. I'll pass your story along to my superiors as it is, but whether they'll actually believe it is another matter..."
"I hope they do. I hate troublesome things."
"You hate troublesome things, yet you're throwing away your entire youth to raise a kid?"
At those words, my expression stiffened involuntarily.
"Hey."
"...Sorry. That was my mistake."
Seeing my face, Hitokawa realized he had crossed a line and apologized readily.
"Never say that in front of Eto."
"I'll keep that in mind. ...Hm?"
[~~♪]
At the sound of a ringtone, Hitokawa pulled his phone from his pocket and turned away.
"Yes, Hajimoto. What? Right now?"
It sounded like a work call; Hitokawa straightened his posture as he spoke to the person on the other end. Wait, Hajimoto? Surely it wasn't the person I was thinking of?
Beep.
Hanging up, Hitokawa turned back to me.
"Sorry, Koma. Something urgent came up, so I have to head back to the CCG immediately."
"Is it because of the Ghoul case?"
"That's a professional secret."
Hitokawa avoided talking about CCG matters whenever possible.
Since he believed I was an ordinary civilian with no connection to Ghouls, he intended to draw a clear line to keep me away from anything dangerous.
"Anyway, I'll put in a good word for you with my superiors. Someone else might visit just to verify things, but don't let it bother you too much."
"...I won't."
A visit from the CCG. Could there be any more unsettling news?
I would have to raise the alert level at home for the time being, ensuring I could handle it whenever a Ghoul Investigator decided to drop by.
After seeing Hitokawa off, I returned inside.
I found Eto quietly reading a book while watching the house, just as I had asked her to.
"What did you talk about with Mr. Hitokawa?"
"Things children don't need to know."
"Hmph... You always treat me like a baby!"
Eto puffed out her cheeks in protest because I wouldn't share the secret, but her reaction only served as further proof that she was, indeed, a child.
Watching her, I asked a question that had been on my mind for some time.
"Eto. Do you dislike Hitokawa?"
"Yes."
A direct answer.
If Hitokawa had been standing there, he would have been hurt. Surprisingly, he was the type to be quite sensitive about such things.
"Mr. Hitokawa isn't a bad person, but... for some reason, he has a smell I don't like."
"..."
I could explain that smell.
It was the lingering scent of Ghoul blood and flesh that naturally clings to a Ghoul Investigator.
Even a rookie, as long as he carried that metal briefcase, was forced to confront Ghouls. He might have killed several without my knowledge.
Eto was smelling the scent of death embedded in Hitokawa—a death that could one day be directed at her.
Ghouls and Ghoul Investigators.
I suppose they are destined to be enemies by nature...
"But Dad."
"Yeah?"
"Aren't you going to work today?"
Eto spoke up just as I was lost in thought about the conflict between Ghouls and Investigators.
It was unexpected. Usually, she was lonely when I went to my part-time job, and she would bounce around with joy on my days off. Why the sudden interest?
"I was thinking of calling in sick with a cold and resting..."
"Are you faking it?"
"...I just don't feel like going today."
"But a grown-up shouldn't lie!"
Listen, kid, adults are creatures who chew on lies more often than they chew on food.
Then again, why was I the one being lectured by this child?
"The manager from your work called the house while you were out."
"What? Why would that whirlwind of a manager call?"
"He told me to tell you: 'If you keep skipping work, you're dead.'"
"That woman! How dare she threaten me!"
The problem was that it was a very effective threat. Damn it, the life of a subordinate is miserable.
In the end, I had to slowly get dressed, dragging my feet like an elementary student who didn't want to go to school. If it weren't for Eto's cheering voice, I would have stayed home even if it meant getting into a fight with the manager and getting fired.
As I left the house with zero enthusiasm, I faced one problem.
"...Damn. I forgot I threw away my bike."
It had been less than twenty-four hours since I had tossed my reliable partner into the river. Without a bicycle, there was no way I could reach my destination on time.
Since I was guaranteed to be late anyway, I decided to just walk and take my time.
Looking back, I should have turned around and checked the house at that moment.
If I had, things wouldn't have become so tangled.
If only I had noticed Eto leaning over the hallway railing, watching my retreating back with such a complicated expression...
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