Chapter 11: Morning, Breakfast, and a Hug

Unless something unusual came up, Makima woke at six every morning.

After loosening up her body, stiff from the night, with some light stretching, she made the bed. Then she washed up and drank a cup of coffee while watching the morning sun rise.

Today, as always, Makima made the bed and came downstairs to the living room to brew coffee. Sunlight streamed in, while birds chirped beyond the slightly open window.

A morning that had always been the same, and would remain the same. The one difference was an unfamiliar scent reaching her nose.

The smell of soybean paste soup. And freshly cooked rice.

"You’re awake, Makima? Your timing is perfect!"

Eigo came in through the balcony door, smiling brightly and waving. In his hand were two pairs of underwear, stiff and crisp from drying in the sunlight.

"Eigo. Those... underwear..."

"What do you think? Maybe it’s because the sun’s so nice today, but they dried nice and crisp. Want to feel them?"

"...No, thank you."

Makima took some water from the refrigerator and drank it. She deliberately fixed her gaze on the breakfast laid out on the table.

Steaming rice, soybean paste soup, and grilled fish. It was a simple meal, but one that felt warm.

"You made breakfast...."

"Yeah. Ah, is there anything you can’t eat...?"

"No, that’s not it... but why did you make some for me, too...?"

Eigo tilted his head for a moment, then answered as though it were nothing. At some point, the underwear in his hand had vanished.

"Just because."

"...Just because?"

"We’re friends living together, aren’t we?"

Makima’s gaze lingered on Eigo’s face for a moment.

Friends... living together....

Makima turned those words over in her mouth. The more she thought of them, the more strangely the corners of her lips lifted.

"And...."

Eigo brushed aside the strands of Makima’s uncombed hair that had been tickling her face and continued.

"How long are we going to keep speaking so formally? Friends usually speak casually with each other."

Makima fell silent for a moment. She set down her cup more slowly than usual.

This is strange... This feeling....

Makima turned her head.

"Speak... casually?"

"Yeah."

Eigo nodded far too easily.

"We started living together yesterday, we’ll be eating together from now on, and we live in the same house. Wouldn’t it be a little weird to keep speaking formally?"

Makima did not answer. Instead, she took a sip of the water remaining in her glass.

She could feel the water going down her throat with unusual clarity. Her face burned hot.

"Ah, if you don’t want to, that’s fine. I’m not trying to force you to change. I was just asking."

There was neither disappointment nor expectation in his tone. It was as though he had simply offered her a choice, then taken a step back to watch.

Makima could not stand that attitude.

"Are you going to end everything with that damn ‘ah’ again?"

Her voice sharpened without her realizing it. Eigo blinked at her.

"Huh? Then what should I say?"

"Usually..."

Makima could not continue. No standard for what was usual came to mind.

Among the kinds of relationships she knew, there was no example that fit this situation.

What do friends do...?

Eigo slowly approached a dining chair and sat down. It was an unconscious gesture, lowering his eye level beneath Makima’s.

"If you’re not used to it, we can take it slow."

At those words, Makima’s fingers twitched.

Take it slow... Wait for me.

He was offering her a choice again. Giving her another way out.

"...Why are you so relaxed about it?"

Makima asked without meaning to.

"About what?"

"You look like it would be fine whether I say yes or no."

Eigo thought for a moment, then answered honestly.

"Well... if you say no, that’s that. If you say yes, that’s good. That’s what friends are, isn’t it?"

"That...."

Makima frowned ever so slightly.

"It isn’t that simple."

"For you, Makima?"

For the first time, he called her by name without any modifier. Makima felt as though she had suddenly stopped breathing.

He called my name? I never gave him permission to... But why... don’t I hate it...?

"...Don’t call me Makima."

The words came out cold, but even she could tell there was no force behind them.

Eigo nodded.

"All right. Then I’ll wait until you want to speak casually first."

Again, he would wait. Makima’s chest gradually began to tighten with suffocating pressure.

He neither came closer nor pushed her. At this rate, nothing would happen.

I don’t know... What am I supposed to do at a time like this...?

Makima put down her cup. The sound rang out louder than she had expected.

"Eigo...."

"Yeah."

"Do you..."

The words that rose to her throat caught between her teeth. She had never said anything like this even once.

Makima’s hand trembled. The voice she forced out was so faint that even the flutter of a mosquito’s wings might have sounded louder.

"Do you know how to get close to people...?"

Eigo did not answer. Instead, he slowly shook his head.

"No."

Makima’s eyes narrowed.

"And yet you say all this so casually?"

"Because it’s okay."

"What do you mean, it’s okay?"

Eigo spoke as though it were obvious.

"It’s okay to make mistakes."

At those words, Makima’s breath stopped for a moment.

Mistakes...? Mistakes in a relationship... Those are...

"...No, you can’t make mistakes."

The words slipped out thoughtlessly. Makima realized too late what she had said, but she could not take back words once spoken.

Eigo looked straight at her.

"Why not?"

Makima avoided Eigo’s gaze and turned toward the window. The morning sunlight still lay across the kitchen floor.

"Because if you make mistakes... you get abandoned...."

She had said it. In that moment, Makima could no longer look at herself directly.

Eigo said nothing. He neither rose from his seat nor approached Makima.

"What do you mean by being abandoned?"

He merely leaned toward her, his expression a little stiffer. Makima could not answer for a long while.

If she opened her mouth, it felt as though everything she had built up until now would collapse.

I can’t explain it.

"...Just."

Her voice dropped without her realizing it.

"When you become useless, when you’re no longer needed...."

Her voice trailed away. She knew too well the rest of that sentence without having to put it into words.

"Then...."

Eigo continued carefully.

"Up until now, you’ve only formed relationships to keep yourself from being abandoned."

Makima’s eyes shook slightly.

Don’t jump to conclusions. I was always above them. I controlled them, dominated them. I’m not the one who gets abandoned....

"That’s...."

She tried to deny it, but no words came. Eigo did not interrupt her silence.

Instead, he slowly came to her and carefully embraced her.

"That’s why you feel like you can’t make mistakes...."

Makima clenched her fists. Her nails dug into her palms.

That’s right. I can’t make mistakes. I have to be perfect, needed, useful—

"But."

Eigo continued.

"You don’t call a relationship like that friendship."

Makima pushed him away.

"Then what is friendship?"

Her tone was aggressive enough that even she noticed it. Eigo thought for a moment before speaking.

"A relationship where you can be abandoned, I guess?"

"...What did you say?"

"A relationship where it’s okay to make mistakes, say things the other person doesn’t want to hear, or run away."

Eigo did not release the arms that held Makima.

"A relationship where they tell you it’s okay to make mistakes, where they can punch you for saying something they hate, where they worry if you run away.... Even if you’re abandoned, it isn’t a relationship that breaks off. That’s what I think friendship is."

Makima’s heart raced like mad.

That makes no sense.... You can be abandoned, but it doesn’t end? Can such a contradictory relationship... really exist?

Her breathing became ragged. It felt as though something were scraping inside her chest.

"You don’t have to think so hard about it. It doesn’t matter if you forget everything I said before. There’s just one thing you need to remember."

Eigo released his arms. He placed his hands on Makima’s shoulders, bent his knees, and met her eyes.

"If there’s something you want to do, just do it to me."

Makima’s eyes shook wildly, as though there had been an earthquake.

"If you want to hit me, hit me. If you want to curse at me, do it."

At those words, Makima’s body flinched reflexively.

"If you don’t like something, you can say you don’t. If you want to run away, you can run away."

Makima’s vision blurred in an instant. Tears welled in her eyes, clouding her sight, while the depths of her chest ached.

"Why...?"

Without realizing it, the question escaped Makima’s lips. Her voice shook so badly that it was nearly unintelligible.

"Why... would you say that much...? I... I can’t have that kind of relationship... I don’t even know... how to start...."

Eigo spoke carefully. With a faint smile, he slowly lowered his hands from Makima.

"That’s still okay. Everything you don’t know, everything you can’t do... I’ll teach you. That’s what friends are for, isn’t it?"

He pressed a finger beneath his chin, pretending to think for a moment.

"Then to start... should we eat? It’s going to get cold."

Eigo rose and turned to head for the table. Just as he was about to take a step, Makima caught his hand.

"...Uh."

"Hm? What was that?"

She did not grip him tightly or pull him toward her. She only held his hand because she felt she could not let go.

"...Give me one."

Eigo stopped walking.

"Huh?"

Makima lowered her head and drew in a deep breath. The very act of speaking felt painful, as though it were scraping the depths of her lungs.

"...I don’t need breakfast, so...."

Her voice cracked slightly. It was so frail that no one could have believed it came from the mouth that had issued thousands of commands.

"Just once...."

Her hand tightened.

"Hug me just one more time...."

Once she finished speaking, the room fell silent. The morning sun and the birdsong alike seemed to have stopped.

I said it.... I could have run away... Why did I have to say something like this...?

Makima’s heart pounded so hard her ears rang. If he rejected her, it was over. The “perfect Makima” she had built up until now had crumbled with those few words.

Eigo turned back without a word.

Ah, of course... Was it too much...? Of course, this is something I shouldn’t have—

Then, in that instant.

Eigo’s arms wrapped around her waist again. Not with enough force to keep her from running, but not so little that he would let her go, either.

"Like this?"

Makima’s forehead touched Eigo’s chest.

"...Yeah."

She could hear his heartbeat. The steady heartbeat of a human.

...Warm.

Far warmer than she had expected.

Makima’s hand no longer clutched his sleeve. Her fingertips trembled as her arms wrapped around Eigo’s waist.

"...You won’t run away, right?"

The words burst out as though she were confirming it—almost pleading. Eigo answered at once.

"I won’t."

"You won’t... say you hate it, right?"

"I won’t."

"...Even if I become a bother?"

"Even then."

Those brief answers slowly broke something down inside Makima.

Why do you say it so easily.... Why do you look like it’s... only natural...?

Makima buried her forehead deeper into Eigo’s chest.

"This is strange...."

Her voice was nearly a sob.

"But... I don’t want to let go...."

Very quietly, yet clearly, Makima spoke.

"...So."

Holding Eigo as though she might break his waist,

"Just a little... a little longer... stay like this with me...."

Comments (0)

Please log in to leave a comment. Login or Register