The momentary shutdown of my brain, followed by the insane mental collapse that came after, made me forget whether this was even reality.
“Doctor... there’s a limit to how much you can joke...”
“I’m not joking.”
Doctor looked at me with a seriousness I’d never seen before.
“Your body was already wrecked from overstraining your Mana. Then the Heroic Spirit left behind only its power, and with no one to control it, the force that healed you is now devouring you instead.”
“I don’t feel anything that strange right now.”
“Would it be fair to say you’re feeling pain relief and a wakefulness effect at the same time?”
“I’m seriously screwed...”
I was so wronged I felt like crying.
Where had it all gone wrong? Was it when I saved the Director because I couldn’t let go of some pointless attachment? Or when I insisted on that reckless spirit possession summoning?
“I just didn’t want to die... I thought I had to do something, and this is the karma I get for it? Damn it, I wasn’t doing it for selfish reasons or anything...”
What made it even worse was that there was no one to blame. I’d done something reckless, and now this mess had happened because of me.
And yet what was truly unfair was that everything I’d done had been the right thing, no matter how you looked at it.
Unless I’d known this would happen in advance, I would have made the exact same choice, and ended up in exactly this miserable state...
“Logically speaking, it was reckless, but it wasn’t the wrong thing to do...”
If I had just died right away, I could have cursed my luck once in the afterlife and been done with it. Why did I have to end up half-alive like this?
“Do you think I’m some grand hero with some huge dream? I just want to go home and rest...”
Was I asking the world for everything? Was I demanding billions of yen or something? Sure, I’d like some money, but this was really pretty modest, wasn’t it?
I just wanted to work hard, earn money, and go back home. Was that such a huge desire? Was I not even allowed to want that much?
“Come to think of it, I’m not even the protagonist. If anything, making it this far is a miracle...”
No matter what I did, nothing would change. If the ending of my death was set in stone, then...
“Romani, in my current state, who at Chaldea knows about this besides you?”
“No one. I couldn’t bring myself to report this to the Director...”
“Yeah... if she found out, she’d probably blame herself to death for it...”
“So... what are you going to do now?”
Was this what it felt like to stand before a judge and hear your final rebuttal?
“Honestly? I feel incredibly wronged.”
“I understand that, but I’m asking what you want to do now.”
“What if I’m so pissed off that I just lie down and quit? Then Ritsuka goes into the Singularity alone and dies, right?”
“She would...”
“I’ve done enough. No, more than enough. I worked myself to the bone and probably cut a year off my life, so isn’t it fine if I rest now? There’s nothing I’d gain from doing anything here...”
How ugly did I look right now? Telling some kid with a bright future ahead of her to go fight alone on a battlefield...
If I suddenly no-showed after sweating and laughing together until yesterday, how betrayed would she feel?
“...I have no right to tell you what to do. You’ve already worked hard enough, and not just I, but everyone at Chaldea knows it.”
“Then what, you want me to just let Ritsuka die?”
“You hate that idea more than anyone, don’t you?”
“...I’ve done all I can.”
“I said I knew that...”
I wouldn’t get anything. I wouldn’t get any reward. It would be a pointless death.
No matter what I did, what would remain for me in the end was a bad ending. If I had been a truly good person, maybe I could have been satisfied with the mission of saving the world and accepted a bitter, regretful sad ending.
Or if I’d been a villain, I could have called it karma and accepted it without feeling wronged.
But I was neither. I was just someone who wanted to be rewarded for the effort he put in. I wasn’t chasing some grand dream. I was just an ordinary person who wanted to survive and go home.
How was I supposed to keep running when even that simple wish wouldn’t be granted?
Run without hope. That is the worst punishment a human being can receive.
I was so wronged I felt like I might go insane. My chest was so tight it felt hollow, as if someone had punched straight through it.
“It really does feel like all the effort you’ve put in until now is going to waste. But what do you even gain by pushing yourself further from here?”
“Nothing, probably. Being rewarded for effort... that’s a dream-like story, isn’t it? If the world really worked that way, then no one would ever stop trying.”
“It’s a hopeless story. But what you wanted was only natural, wasn’t it? Something you should have been promised...”
Romani lowered his voice and denied it.
“There’s nothing natural in this world.”
“...Right. I forgot that. What the hell was I even saying...”
“That’s why everyone at Chaldea respects the choices you’ve made so far.”
“I really have been throwing my body around like an idiot, haven’t I? Come to think of it, how am I still alive?”
Honestly, the fact that I hadn’t died alongside Ritsuka when I tried to save the Director—no, when I tried to save Mash before that—was miraculous enough.
“No, come to think of it, it was miraculous that I didn’t blow myself up thanks to that bastard in the first place...”
“Anyway, if you don’t know what you want to do right now, then maybe you should rest for a while...”
“No, I can’t do that.”
“...You understand what that means, don’t you?”
“I really hate causing trouble for other people, and when I think about it again...”
There was someone at the root of all this, the one who’d turned me into this mess. Even if I didn’t gain anything from it...
“I think I need to cut off Lev’s damn head before I can die without regrets.”
Romani gave a faint, bitter smile, but at the same time he wore a somewhat wistful expression as he asked for my final answer.
“So you’re going to keep fighting?”
“...Before, it was just some half-baked attachment. Now I’ve got a clear goal.”
“I see... Then as for the others...”
“No.”
If Ritsuka or the Director found out about this, it would only make things worse from here on out. It was better to tell them after everything was over...
“Not now... Please, just give me some time.”
“Alright. You can tell them whenever you want.”
""""
I said that, but my head was still spinning and my heart felt clogged up.
I was walking down the hall without thinking when I bumped shoulders with someone and didn’t even realize it right away.
“Ah! Sorry, are you hurt—”
“Oh, Albus?”
It was Mash, drenched in sweat as if she’d just finished training.
“...You really do work hard all the time.”
“I still don’t know the true name of the one who gave me this power, so I’d say I still have a very long way to go...”
“If you’re free, want to have dinner with me? I may not be as good as EMIYA, but I can cook pretty decently.”
Shit, would that sound like I was hitting on her?
“Ah! If that’s too much, then you don’t have to force yourself—”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll go wash up first.”
“Mash, you’re so nice what are you going to do if you go out like that...”
""""
I roughly pulled ingredients out of the freezer and made fried rice and spaghetti.
“I didn’t expect you to be such a good cook...”
Mash looked genuinely impressed as she ate the spaghetti, and it was a pretty nice sight.
“Mash, what do you mean, ‘didn’t expect’...”
“C-Cough! I’m sorry!”
“I’m not scolding you. It was just a reflex. Keep eating...”
“Yes...”
We ate together in the empty dining hall, where the only sounds were the clink of utensils against plates.
“Wait, why are we the only ones here?”
“Your senior got caught trying to sneak off for gacha pulls, so he’s been tied up, and the summoning room is under repair...”
“That guy really never changes...”
After another stretch of silence, we kept eating. It was so quiet that it was awkward, so Albus spoke first.
“Mash, do you have a dream?”
“Not yet... I’m not really sure. But I do like my life as it is now...”
“Even though you never know when you might die?”
‘Ah, was that too harsh?’
But Mash brushed it off as if it were nothing.
“I... don’t have time to dream.”
“? What?”
“I was never supposed to live past eighteen. That’s how I was made... And after becoming a Servant, that lifespan got even shorter. Now I only have about a year left...”
For once, I cut Mash off in a burst of emotion that didn’t feel like me at all.
“Then you’re still going to keep fighting even though you could die like this? Even though you won’t get anything out of it?”
Unlike me, who at least had revenge as a motive, Mash wasn’t the kind of person who would want something like that.
Then it suddenly hit me again what kind of person Mash really was.
“For me... everything about this adventure with senpai, the Director, Doctor Romani, everyone at Chaldea, and Albus is incredibly special...”
She was an ideal good person. It wasn’t something I could even understand, and even if I did, there was nothing I could do for her.
“You didn’t tell Ritsuka that...”
“No. If senpai found out...”
“Good call. There’s nothing good about that guy knowing this...”
‘How funny... One person can’t die neatly and wants to drag the mastermind down with him, while another cherishes every single moment like it’s precious...’
“So someone who started with nothing and someone who had something taken away from them are completely different after all...”
“Huh?”
‘Ah, shit, I said that out loud...’
“I was thinking about Naruto and accidentally said it out loud. But why are you telling me and not Ritsuka?”
“I thought Albus would take it calmly. You’re also very tight-lipped...”
“...Is that so.”
Honestly, if someone else’s suffering doesn’t cause me any real harm, I don’t think much of it.
Of course, I understand when someone is having a hard time, and I try to be considerate, but I only do it because I should. It’s not something that wells up naturally from the heart.
“Mash, the journey ahead is supposed to be a lot harder than what we’ve done so far. Are you okay with that?”
Mash answered without hesitation.
“Yes!”
“I see...”
""""
And so the day of the decisive battle arrived.
“We’re moving to the Roman Singularity now. Fujimaru, Mash, and Albus! Are you ready?!”
“Yes!”
“Good! Rayshift, begin!”
And so the Rayshift began once more...
“Why again!?”
I was the only one who got sent somewhere weird again. But...
The cries of seagulls, the stalls, and the pirate flags... no matter how I looked at it, this place was...
“What the hell do you mean we’re going to a different Singularity!?”
It was Okeanos, the Singularity that should have come after Rome...
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