It forces me to move without ever allowing the choice of death or madness.
It erases any option that would be bad for survival from my mind and makes me choose only the favorable ones.
Thanks to Romani, I found out about it, so I can at least be aware of it and try to control it somehow, but...
'I want to die... no, damn it, I can't...'
My thoughts just stop halfway through. I get this prickling sensation, like I’m being controlled without even realizing it.
Realizing that my own thoughts are being manipulated has become a curse in itself.
Even my reflexive reactions are stripped away, and I have to force my mind to reach an agreement with reason before I can do anything.
“What... did I do wrong...?”
Only anger and frustration at this suffocating reality keep building up, unable to be released.
'I want to die... die... die... I don't want to live... live...'
No matter how much I want to die, no matter how much I lose the will and the reason to keep going, that thought still gets cut off.
And yet, as long as I’m still alive, I keep thinking I have to do something.
'No matter how shitty it is, I still have to do something...'
When I got to the cafeteria and sat down to eat...
“Huh? You’re eating now too, mister?”
At a time that was a little late to call lunch, Mash, Olga Marie, and Ritsuka arrived at the cafeteria at the same time as me.
'Now the three of us really are a trio...'
“Since I was about to eat alone anyway, tell me what happened in Rome while you’re at it.”
“...”
“Beast... You’ve probably had it pretty rough too, huh?”
“...”
'Did I say something wrong...? Ah... well, if he’d been through what I have, he wouldn’t even be standing here...'
“Well... let’s put my side of things aside for later. I actually wanted to ask you something...”
Gulp
All three of them listened intently, tense as I spoke.
“Lately... haven’t I been acting kind of weird?”
Albus.
He was just an ordinary good person, the kind of person with no obvious quirks and no especially strange life.
He was foolish, he swore a lot, and he was warm-hearted... that kind of person. But something had changed. Yes, ever since that summoning...
One day, while investigating a Singularity and defeating enemies, he witnessed innocent people being slaughtered right in front of him.
Even if he wasn’t a saint, it would have been natural for him to look shocked or tense. But the face he wore after that change had not a single tremor in it. Not a single trace of tension.
That was Mash’s impression of him, as the one shielding him from the side.
There was another day.
During training, while sparring with the Servants, he was accidentally burned all over by Black Jeanne, his whole body charred until even his bones showed through.
Black Jeanne hurriedly extinguished the flames and rushed over to him, but...
“Hey!! Your body!!”
“I’m fine, so call the Doctor first.”
“Huh...? O-okay...”
He only winced a little and, with no real reaction to Black Jeanne, asked her to call Romani.
That was strange. At the very least, no normal person could stay that calm in front of the person who had reduced them to that state.
And for someone who had always been sensitive to pain and prone to complaining, being able to endure it that well made no sense.
“H-hey!! Don’t you have anything to say to me!?”
Black Jeanne must have sensed that something was off with him too, because she called out to him, but...
“Oh, right.”
“Yeah... if you’re going to get mad, now’s the ti—”
“Tone down the firepower tomorrow, okay?”
“...”
Black Jeanne stared at the door Albus had left through for a long time, as if she had seen something chilling.
So did Olga Marie, who had watched every combat simulation up to that point.
Ritsuka had spent the longest time closest to him, so she knew. He had changed. It wasn’t that he had become a completely different person, exactly.
Something was different. It felt like someone was controlling him, and worse, controlling him without his own awareness.
And today, the three of them had decided to work together and ask him what was going on.
He brought it up first, unexpectedly, but now they had to learn everything while they had the chance.
“Th... the possession summoning and when you became a Demi-Servant, was it around then?”
“Yeah. Mister, you’ve been weird ever since then.”
“Could it be that someone took over your body...”
“It’s not that...”
Olga Marie was the type to start imagining strange things for no reason, so I had to be careful or she might drag me into the lab.
Anyway, I told them about the problems with this power and about my current mental state.
“For now, I’m somehow managing to keep going without dying, but it seems like...”
Before I could finish, I lifted my head from where I’d been hanging it and fell silent.
'This is fucking scary...'
All three of them had changed their expressions into something downright terrifying.
“Come with me right now. I’m going to rip that power out of your body.”
“P-please, calm down first...”
My body is surviving thanks to this power. If it gets ripped out right now...
'I’d either die from the pain or go into shock on the spot...'
“Mash, knock him out.”
Ritsuka gave the chilling order without a single moment of hesitation.
“If possible, it’d be fine to dislocate an arm or a leg too.”
Olga Marie went one step further and gave an even scarier order.
“Dislocating joints is dangerous, so I’ll just knock him out.”
My body was screaming at me to resist, but my will said no, and once again my thoughts tried to be manipulated.
“Hurry... don’t... do it!!... Save me... hurry and do it!!... I don’t want to die...”
“...”
As I kept struggling to regain control with sheer mental force only to have my thoughts hijacked again, the three of them, who had gone cold, couldn’t bring themselves to move.
“...I’m sorry, Albus...”
In the end, Mash made the decision and knocked me out...
I knew something had happened to him.
He was the first ordinary person to come here, someone in the same position as me, which meant he was the easiest to be around.
He was overly kind and had a soft heart, but... he was the most normal person here.
But misfortune kept finding him. He entered a Singularity with me, his mana circuits burned out, and his whole body was ruined.
Then, after barely recovering, he went into another Singularity alone, without a single Servant, and came back after enduring all kinds of torture.
And after the possession summoning, he became strangely inhuman, as if he had changed into a different person.
And then I learned what state he was really in.
The power he received manipulates his personality and makes him think only for survival.
Even if his mind collapses, it forcibly pulls him back up and makes him fight, making him choose only rational options.
According to Albus’s explanation, this power is interpreted as the will of its owner, and it will probably continue until the end of Human Order restoration.
A slave... no, a tool. If even his thoughts are being manipulated, then he can no longer be called a person. With no freedom at all, this is undeniably wrong.
He is my partner, sharing the same burden as I do, so why is he the only one being subjected to such cruel trials...?
I opened my eyes to find myself in the infirmary.
“You’re awake?”
Romani’s familiar voice somehow made me feel safe.
“I ended up telling them...”
I’m not strong enough to endure something like this alone, like the protagonists in novels or manga. I’m not that tough.
“Honestly, I’m just a burden...”
“It’s not all your fault, so don’t say that.”
“Doctor, I’m so tired...”
That damn curse won’t be lifted until Human Order restoration is complete. But even after it’s gone, I’m still going to die before I live another year anyway.
“Living without even a shred of hope is too hard...”
“Nothing is more important to life than hope.”
“I hate that bastard even more now...”
If he hadn’t attacked me, if he’d just died back then instead, I wouldn’t have had to suffer like this.
'If I’d just died back then... huh?'
“What the hell is going on...?”
“Mm? What is it?”
“My thoughts aren’t being controlled...”
“All of a sudden!?”
I don’t know. What is this? It’s scary...
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