Chapter 40: Become My Squire. - 2

I liked apples.

A dirt-caked fruit covered in scratches, bruised brown all over, with its stem shriveled dry.

Dry and mealy to the bite, with just a little sweetness leaking out between the bitterness in its juice.

Every day, I had to go hungry.

I got beaten dozens of times while pickpocketing.

Sometimes I had to hide to avoid the eyes of the strange men my mother brought home.

And sometimes my mother slapped me and even stomped on me….

I hated her for that, and I wanted to leave.

But whenever she sobbed and apologized, saying she couldn’t live without me, she would press that soft apple into my hand.

I liked that apple.

That apple was what let me forget, if only a little, a life where everything was miserable.

I think that apple was probably the reason I managed to endure that back-alley life.

That ugly life, where there was no happiness to be found anywhere—I endured it with that one apple.

But I remember that the last apple my mother gave me had no sweetness in it at all.

It was one day like that.

My mother went out to work as usual, and I was heading out to pick pockets as usual.

But that day, she suddenly took me to the market, put an apple in my hand, and told me that if I stayed still right there, she would come get me when she was done with work.

She added that I wouldn’t need to pick pockets anymore.

Then she smiled at me kindly and stroked my head.

And the bright red apple she gave me looked more delicious than any apple I had ever seen.

And because it was my mother, wearing that gentle face she always showed after hitting me, who said those words—

I nodded with a smile.

And my mother left me at the market and went off to work.

I didn’t eat the apple she gave me.

I just waited for her to come back.

Smiling, maybe because I kept thinking of what she had said—that I wouldn’t need to pick pockets anymore.

Hoping that now I wouldn’t have to be hit anymore.

I carefully held the apple my mother had given me and waited for her.

But no matter how long I waited, my mother did not come.

Even when night fell, she did not come.

And the one who came to find me instead of her was not my mother, but—

"Are you Miss @#₩=?"

A tall man wearing a mask.

#

"For now, I go by Dotore. Or, well… you can simply call me Doctor."

The masked man who introduced himself as Dotore.

He knew my name, the one I had long since forgotten, and said he had come in my mother’s place to take me with him.

And after those words—

I had a nightmare.

A clean white space.

Light I could not see, like a blinding backlight.

A dream where several men, led by the masked man, forced something into me.

Idon’twantithurtsidon’twantithurtsidon’twantithurtsidon’twantithurtsidon’twantithurtsidon’twantithurts.

No matter how much I struggled and said I didn’t want it, they kept forcing something into me, over and over.

It hurt more than any beating I had ever taken.

It hurt more than any kick.

Why.

I don’t know why I’m having this dream.

It hurts.

I thought I had gotten used to pain.

I thought I wouldn’t feel pain anymore.

It hurts so much.

Please save me.

I don’t want to die.

It hurts so much.

It’s so agonizing.

I poured out every last tear and string of snot I had left, fainted, woke up crying, fainted again, got up again and cried again, over and over.

"I was wrong."

"I was wrong."

Thinking this nightmare had to be punishment for stealing things.

Reaching out my hand.

Looking at the masked man forcing something into me.

I confessed my sins.

"I won’t steal again."

"I won’t steal again."

"I was wrong."

"I was wrong."

Scratching at the bed.

Scratching.

And scratching again.

Scratching and scratching without end.

A nightmare of begging… for forgiveness.

I had that nightmare.

And it did not stop. It went on and on.

But why was it?

Why, in that nightmare, did I keep thinking of an apple?

What came to mind in that nightmare was the apple my mother had given me.

A bright red apple, overflowing with juice, crisp enough that I could almost hear the crunch.

I wanted to eat that apple.

And I wanted to apologize again.

Because I was under the illusion that if I did,

this damned nightmare would finally end.

So I kept waking from the nightmare.

And facing that nightmare.

And waking from it again.

Only to face the nightmare there once more.

That nightmare that felt as though it would never break, as though it would continue forever.

Even so, maybe it did have an end.

At some point, I woke from that nightmare loop that had seemed unbreakable.

But.

I woke from that nightmare I thought I would never escape, and yet—

"Congratulations, Miss @#₩=. Or should I call you Number 333?"

The first thing I faced after escaping that nightmare was a wretched reality.

Confronting that backlight I had seen every time I dreamed.

And when I woke from that restless dream because of that backlight, I realized—

"The experiment was a success. My sincere congratulations on becoming a spirit in a human body."

That I myself had turned into a giant wolf inside a laboratory.

Ha.

I’d become a wolf.

And not just any wolf—a huge one.

It didn’t even hurt anymore.

The tears that had poured out during those nightmares, enough to make me wonder if I would die of dehydration, had all dried up.

So I wanted to die, but I couldn’t die.

Partly because of the damned choker around my neck.

But also because my mother couldn’t live without me.

The mother who had cried and cried, saying she needed me—maybe even now she was still looking for me.

I had lost my emotions, and I had let go of my life.

I could not hold on to a single thing.

But I couldn’t leave my mother alone.

So I waited for a chance.

I obeyed Dotore’s demands and waited for the moment he let his guard down.

Several years passed after that.

And while Dotore was distracted, I managed to escape the laboratory.

Hiding my not-yet-fully-transformed arm and my wolf ears beneath a hood.

I ran.

I kept running.

What was Mother doing now?

Was she still looking for me?

Following the scent of the past, I kept running and running.

And in front of an inn, I found my mother.

Several years had passed, and when I saw her again after so long,

she looked more beautiful than ever.

Beside her, on the table, was a delicious-looking apple.

And she was playing before a crowd on an instrument called a violin, the same kind Dotore had shown me before.

Why?

Mother—

said she couldn’t live without me.

She definitely said that.

Then why were you wearing such splendid clothes?

Why were you smiling so happily?

"Mother."

You said you couldn’t live without me.

You said you needed me to survive.

But—

"Who are you?"

My mother did not remember me.

She had simply forgotten me and gone on happily….

Why are you so happy?

Why did you forget me?

"I asked who you are."

Why are you looking at me like that?

Then the wind blew.

My hood was blown back.

Aaaahhh—!!!

And as my grotesquely transformed arm was exposed,

people screamed and ran.

I paid no attention to them and slowly walked toward my mother.

"Mother."

"Don’t come closer."

One step at a time.

Toward my mother, who was trembling and shrieking, white-faced with terror.

"It’s me."

"Don’t come near me!"

Why are you rejecting me?

I’m the daughter you kept saying you couldn’t live without.

"Mo—"

"I said don’t come near me!"

At that moment.

My mother grabbed something from the table and threw it at me.

It was a bright red…

And the very thing I had wanted so badly to eat.

Thud.

An apple.

The apple struck my body weakly, then rolled across the floor.

That was the first time I learned.

It was the first time I learned that a thrown apple could hurt that much.

More than any pain I had felt in all my life.

Maybe even more than the pain I felt in that nightmare.

That apple hit me as if it had pierced straight through my body, leaving that kind of pain behind before dropping helplessly to the ground.

I picked up the last apple my mother gave me and turned away.

And ran.

Because if I stayed there, I felt as though I would lose myself.

I ran and ran away.

Even in the rain, I kept running.

"Did you enjoy your walk?"

And when I found myself standing beside Dotore, who had appeared before I knew it,

I stood there in the pouring rain, looked at that loathsome mask,

and bit into the apple caked with dirt.

Not the dry, mealy texture from before, but a crisp crunch.

Not that faint sweetness barely leaking through bitterness, but the sweetness of rich juice.

The dirt ground between my teeth with a gritty crunch crunch as it slid down my throat.

Ha.

It tastes awful.

The last apple my mother gave me really—

tasted awful.

#

A life abandoned by everyone.

A life where death seemed like it would be better.

But even when I wanted to die, I couldn’t.

So I lived like a doll.

I went to a place called an academy, just as Dotore ordered.

I rampaged however the choker commanded me to.

And then I met a man named Ian, who threw an apple at me for the second time in my life.

He beat me around with me as a shield, then out of nowhere removed my choker.

Absurdly enough, that was how I escaped Dotore.

But what did that change?

I had already lost even my name.

It was a life that had already let go of any reason to live.

So salvation meant nothing to me.

Still, I had some idea why he had saved me, so I guided him to the dungeon without complaint, just as he wanted.

I even revealed my identity to them, and then I fought the lion with them.

The lion was strong.

Or rather, maybe I should say it had grown stronger.

If Dotore had seen it, he would have rejoiced.

Even Ian, who had subdued both the leopard and me in an instant, was helplessly driven back by the lion’s attacks.

So I told them I would die.

A life that had already let go of any meaning in living.

I thought it would be better to spend it for the sake of the one who had saved me.

I intended to die there.

But—

"The day you die is not today. Regrettably."

I let out a hollow laugh at those words.

Don’t be ridiculous.

What, now I can’t even choose my own death?

And then Ian, after saying that, really did bring down the lion without sacrificing me.

Without sacrificing me.

Ian.

IanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIanIan.

I resent him.

I resent the man who saved me and refused to let me die.

I want to die.

A life that doesn’t even feel like living.

A life where I wander inside nightmares, and when I open my eyes, the nightmare is still going on.

Human, but not human.

A spirit, but not a spirit.

A life that belongs nowhere.

I want to let go of everything and leave this nightmare behind.

I don’t want to live anymore.

"I told you."

Why did you save me?

Why didn’t you just let me die?

"Regrettably, you are not dying today."

"But—!"

But….

I really do want to die….

Please kill me.

If I can’t die for the sake of the one who saved me, then end me with the hands that saved me.

End this nightmare that never ends.

"Then learn."

How am I supposed to learn?

Everything is broken.

No one ever taught me.

No one ever told me.

Even what I did learn was a lie.

So then—

how am I supposed to learn any of it now…?

"If you don’t know where to go, then I’ll be your guide, wolf."

"What?"

At those words, I looked at him.

He was saying it with a smile.

I don’t believe him.

What a joke.

How are you supposed to teach me anything?

"You. Become my squire."

Ha.

That’s your idea of teaching me? Telling me to become your squire?

Resentment.

And anger surged up in me.

So I—

"Are you messing with me?"

lunged at Ian.

"You…!"

Ian’s companions in front of us flared up in anger at what I had done.

Fine.

If you won’t kill me—

"Then I’ll kill you, and I’ll die by their hands."

Yes, this was right.

Wasn’t there an easier way after all?

It’s fine. I’m not really trying to kill you.

If you won’t kill me, then I….

"Ian!"

The people in front of me gathered mana.

But Ian stopped them, then looked at me without the slightest concern.

"You just don’t know yet."

"Shut up."

"If you don’t know, then you can start learning now."

"I said shut up."

Please, just shut up.

I’m tired now.

I don’t want to hope anymore, and I don’t want to live either.

Why are you trying to keep me alive?

"Even that corpse wanted to live."

Corpse.

Was he talking about the lion?

He was right.

It should have been dead, and yet it fought desperately with everything it had.

But I….

Ian grabbed the arm I had pressed against his chest.

"So there’s no way someone alive like you has no lingering attachment at all."

"I’m already dead."

"You’re alive. You just don’t know it yet."

Then he slowly got to his feet.

"Hey, doesn’t it piss you off?"

Piss me off?

"I get that your life’s been fucking miserable, but if you die now, you’ll just die miserable."

"…………"

"Doesn’t that piss you off? You could still learn what happiness is. Doesn’t it piss you off to live without ever knowing happiness, and then die without ever learning it?"

Doesn’t it piss me off?

Of course it….

The words would not come out.

Because I had let go of saying things like that long ago.

But still.

"It does."

I can’t help it. It does piss me off.

I wanted to eat apples to my heart’s content too.

I never wanted to become a wolf like this.

I wanted to live normally too, without being beaten, without having to pick pockets.

I wanted to be able to say proudly that I was hurting.

But—

"I’ve come too far for that."

"It’s not too late."

"How can you be so sure of that?"

"I’m twenty damn years old and still attending school. How could you possibly be too late?"

Ian looked at me as if he truly didn’t understand.

I still could not understand him.

The way he saved me.

The way he chose not to take the easy path of sacrificing me.

And the way he broke through that harder path as if to prove he could.

…Just once more.

Could I try believing one more time?

He did throw an apple at me too, just like my mother.

But unlike my mother, you kept the words you spoke with your own mouth.

"Really."

Really—

"Can you teach me?"

Can I trust your words?

"If you can’t trust me, then trust Dolnesia."

"…So you’re not actually confident."

"What, do you want me to write you a pledge on [Oath of Chivalry]?"

"Don’t play word games."

Ian slowly sat up and matched his eye level to mine.

"Fine. If you keep wandering, then so you won’t lose your way—"

He lightly tapped my chest and continued.

"I’ll become your star."

"……"

At those words, all strength left me.

The wolf returned to being human again.

Just like before.

The people behind him were startled.

But Ian stayed exactly the same.

Well, he might have looked calm on the outside, but with the spirit’s eyes that saw souls, I could tell he was definitely shaken.

But what he had just said was sincere.

"Ian. Could you give me the apple you threw back then?"

I asked him for an apple.

"I do still have one left."

Then he pulled an apple out of thin air.

The most delicious-looking apple I had ever seen in my life.

I bit into it.

Just like back then, it was crisp, and sweetness burst out.

"It tastes awful."

It was still an apple I could taste nothing from.

"That’s strange. There’s no way an apple from those people would taste bad."

Then he—

bit into the apple I was holding.

"Hey…."

"Are you insane? Your organs are probably all wrecked—how can you just eat an apple like that?!"

The woman called Dolnesia shouted at him as if scolding him for what he had done.

But Ian only shrugged as if it were nothing.

"Tastes fine to me. Try it again."

He said it with a grin.

So, at his words, I bit into the apple once more.

The apple crunched as I chewed, then slid down my throat.

The taste of that apple, which should have been tasteless just like before—

"It really is…."

Just as he said, it was wonderfully sweet.

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