I think I have changed. I have become childish and blindly impulsive, and the one responsible for that change is Ryuen.
From the beginning, I never wanted to change. I only wanted to find a quiet place to read. My world belongs in books; I should not be running myself ragged for the sake of the class.
Ryuen was the one who dragged me into this chaos. But why me? Why did he know my name at the start of the school year? We had never even met before.
Does he like me? No, perhaps not. Ryuen simply enjoys teasing pretty girls. He has hit on quite a few of them already, has he not?
Maybe Ryuen is simply that frivolous a person. He says only shallow people judge others by appearances, but I feel that his heart is vastly different from the image he presents. I want to explore what lies inside him. I want to understand him. Is this what it feels like to be in love?
No. It is not. This is only curiosity. I merely want to read Ryuen like a book.
He has no sense of boundaries. He touches me so casually, and he can be so rough. He even snatched my hair tie away. Yet aside from that, he has not done anything else offensive! I cannot understand him. He must like me a little, right?
I do not have any friends at this school whom I could call especially close. I do not want to maintain those hollow friendships. But Ryuen... he seems different. Even when I try to shake him off and escape him, he always catches me and pulls me back to his side.
It feels as though I do not have the right to refuse him. Ah, that is just deceiving myself. I do not lack the right; I lack the courage to refuse him. No... deep down, I do not want to refuse him. Why?
Do I like him?
Probably not. He is not my type at all! The prince in my heart should love reading, enjoy quiet places, and be polite and modest.
But Ryuen is rough and frivolous! Still, he truly is well-read. His insights, the books he has read, his way of thinking... he is a complete mystery. A mysterious man whose feelings I cannot see through.
He called me Hiyori so casually. He was the first person at this school to call me that. It was only in a text message, but I could not bring myself to dislike it. Should I be happy? Does it mean we have grown closer? No, that is wrong. Ryuen only wanted me to stop someone for him. He has always been like that, calling people by their given names so easily. Maybe I am not all that special to him after all.
Why did he ask me to stop that boy from Class D? Was it so he could bully that large-chested girl more easily? How awful! Boys are always attracted to girls with large chests! Ryuen is just as shallow! A woman's value is not in her chest!
Does he like that girl? Does he want to force her? I saw him grab her chest. She was the one who initiated it, but Ryuen did not refuse her either. A dirty girl like that only knows how to seduce men with her indecent body. I hate her!
I want so badly to know what happened between them. But why will Ryuen not explain it to me?
It is almost funny, thinking about Ryuen getting his face swollen from being hit by a girl.
Funny? Stop lying to yourself. I wanted to rush out then, did I not? But I held myself back. I wanted to ask if he was all right. I wanted to help tend to the injury on his face. So why did I not do anything? Why could I not even say a single word of concern?
It still bothers me so much. Why will Ryuen not explain? And that final kiss.
What exactly does Ryuen mean by all this?
I lay on my bed, letting my hair spill loose as I lightly touched my forehead. Ryuen had left his mark there.
I am so troubled. I have changed, becoming less and less like myself. I do not want Ryuen to keep appearing in my mind. I want to go back to who I was. But would going back really be a good thing?
I do not know. Nor do I want to think about it anymore.
Do not think about Ryuen anymore. I forced myself to think about things related to reading instead, about scenes from [The Little Prince], which I had read recently.
The book is roughly about the little prince traveling to other planets after quarreling with his rose, where he encounters all kinds of people. At the end, with the snake's help, he returns to asteroid B-612.
Am I the rose, or the fox?
Do not think about it. I am myself, Hiyori Shiina. I am not Ryuen's rose, nor am I his fox. We are only fellow readers. Yes, we are only fellow readers.
There should be some distance between Ryuen and me.
Having sorted out my thoughts, I prepared to sleep. Then I suddenly remembered that I had planned to go to the store to buy a handkerchief. I forgot. I will go this Saturday instead. I should pick up a few black hair ties while I am there. It is time to replace mine.
I fell asleep, deeply asleep. I forgot what I dreamed about. I only remembered that when I opened my eyes, I was in a wonderful mood.
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