I didn't have any special talent for magecraft to begin with.
The old man who raised me was a mage, so I learned magecraft from him. Having no wife, no children, and nothing else to his name, the old man made me his successor.
It was a family line without much history anyway.
Regardless, thanks to that, I was able to enter the Clock Tower, but I found myself surrounded by ways of thinking and knowledge that were difficult for an ordinary person like me to grasp.
I was feeling skeptical and considering quitting when I ended up joining Chaldea.
It didn't have any deep meaning.
I just had a slight admiration for the concept of 'heroes of the past.' I simply thought that things like the 'crisis of humanity' were problems for a handful of talented people to handle.
But right now, those talented people were all on the verge of death because of a single bomb.
A corner of my chest ached.
I tell myself there was nothing I could have done.
It might be a bit of self-justification, but even if I had shouted something there, it wouldn't have mattered.
Even if the Director had listened to me for a moment, she would have followed Lev Lainur if he denied my claims.
But even so, I hadn't even tried to do anything.
I had just gone with the flow, naively thinking that Fujimaru Ritsuka would handle it somehow, and that I’d save the Director if I could, simply because of my personal liking for her.
"Ugh, blegh..."
The shock of death and a muddy mixture of various guilts made me retch.
I breathed raggedly, vomiting up everything I had eaten this morning. My fingertips were cold.
The price for looking away had aimed sharply and accurately at my throat.
If an omnipotent God really existed, did He want to punish me, thinking my actions were perfectly suited for the sin of Sloth?
'I've died twice.'
By now, I knew it wasn't a dream. It had actually happened.
Without my memories, I had been doing my usual work at Chaldea and died in the terrorist bombing without knowing a thing.
But for some reason, I had looped with my memories intact, even with a 'reincarnation bonus' added as a service.
It wasn't a one-time miracle either; it had continued a second time.
I died after Medusa stabbed me in the abdomen and spilled my guts. Recalling that sensation made me feel like vomiting again.
I didn't need to know if it was a reincarnator's privilege, a miracle, or necessity.
The problem was the thought: Why me?
If Kirschtaria had this ability instead, things would have been resolved easily.
Why give this ability to a half-baked mage like me, who's closer to a mere magecraft user? If only it weren't me, if it were someone else...
If Fujimaru Ritsuka were here...
"Whew."
Slap! I struck my cheeks hard and stood up.
Indulging in negative thoughts is a bad habit. For now, I have to move.
Whether I find a replacement later or whatever else happens, I have to move first.
Earlier, I went to the right, met Medusa, and was retired just like that. Then this time...
I turned around and walked to the left. Could I really clear this without Mash? Even if I did, what comes next?
Even if Fujimaru Ritsuka lacked talent, he had an affinity close to a 'Human Capybara' and a level of Destiny that wouldn't lose to a Beast. I have neither.
As soon as I told myself not to think negatively, I was doing it again.
The memories of wounds, pain, and death kept pulling my thoughts toward the dark side, as if taking me by the hand and leading me there.
'More importantly, where should I go? Cu Chulainn... I have to meet Cu Chulainn first. Please, God. If You're really telling me to restore this damn Human Order, You should at least give me a minimum amount of Destiny. Let me meet Cu Chulainn, please!!'
Thud, thud. I heard footsteps. The fact that they were deliberate footsteps meant it wasn't Medusa. Besides, I was currently walking in the opposite direction from where she had been.
There was a possibility Medusa had noticed me and was moving, but I didn't think she would make noise while approaching.
When I turned toward the sound, I saw a silhouette.
A massive figure, nearly two meters tall with a heavily muscled body, carrying numerous weapons on his back.
"Welcome, sacrifice for the Holy Grail."
"Don't give me that Counter Force crap, damn it."
I was starting to feel like the Counter Force was actually working to ensure my death. A fake using the name of the hero Musashibo Benkei walked toward me.
It seemed he had already become a Shadow Servant, just like Medusa. He couldn't use his Noble Phantasm, and his skills and status ranks were lowered.
But just like with Medusa, that didn't mean he was an opponent I could beat.
That famous line came to mind: Just because I've gotten weaker doesn't mean you've gotten any stronger, right?
...The situation was so literal it only made me want to laugh. Whoosh, Benkei pulled out a spear, spun it, and spoke to me.
"Do you have any last words?"
"...Yeah, actually. I'll just say one thing."
The old man who raised me taught me two things thoroughly.
The first was magecraft. I wasn't very remarkable as a mage, so I was still a novice despite my efforts, but I believe I studied hard and he taught me well.
And the second was the mindset for fighting. He told me not to worry about things like elegance or beauty.
He said the one who survives is the one who is elegant and beautiful. And he said that what increases the probability of survival is language—in other words...
"You're not running away this time? I thought you'd be pathetically trembling."
...Make sure the opponent cannot remain calm.
Benkei's face hardened instantly. This was something only I could do.
It was possible because I was familiar with Musashibo Benkei's lore through the game FGO. Grind, Benkei gritted his teeth and lunged at me.
If my memory was correct, Benkei also possessed Magic Resistance.
It was maddening that a skill which was barely helpful in the game was now tightening the noose around my neck so effectively.
However, failing to inflict shock or wounds was entirely different from failing to exert physical influence.
Since I didn't have a combat-oriented Mystic Code, I was a one-trick pony with Transmutation Magecraft.
Well, even if I had one, it would have just meant I could use one more spell.
I felt my Magic Circuits activating through my skin. Chanting rapidly, I placed my hand on the ground.
Boom!! I pushed Benkei back, blowing him away.
If he lost his cool and charged like a beast, he’d be easier to handle.
Regardless, clearing this without Cu Chulainn is difficult.
For now, I should retreat...
Huh? Crash!! Benkei, who had slammed into a building, tried to leap at me again immediately. Servants... they might be even more monstrous than I thought.
"Tsk!!"
Thud, I grabbed the ground again, and the earth around me writhed, charging straight toward Benkei.
Slash! Slash! Bang!! He sliced through all the rocks and kept charging at me.
What the hell is that? Benkei isn't supposed to be such a strong Servant. Even as a Shadow Servant, all his abilities should be ranked down.
With that massive frame and that speed... is he stronger than that snake woman? This is dangerous; I'm no match for him in terms of pure physical ability.
I'm just a magecraft user who's even clumsy with reinforcement; if I let even one hit through, I have to be prepared for broken bones.
Watching Benkei approach rapidly, I transmuted my own footing this time to dodge backward quickly.
Boom!! Benkei, reaching the spot where I had been, glared at me with glowing eyes.
"Haa..."
It felt like his killing intent was piercing my body. It was hard to breathe due to the unfamiliar, extreme tension that felt like it was crushing my chest.
I had been moving by pulling rocks back with Transmutation Magecraft, but he even sliced through those rocks and knocked me to the ground.
"I do not know who you think you are to say you are not running away."
"What I'm doing is evading. 'Running away' is a term for someone who watched from the sidelines while their superior fought for their life—no, someone who even closed their eyes so they wouldn't see the fire. Ah, you're Benkei, so I'm not talking to you. After all, 'Benkei' didn't run away."
I raised my hand again and launched an attack at Benkei. Simultaneously, I moved backward.
No matter how ineffective it was, as long as physical rocks existed, I could buy at least a second. I had to escape somehow.
No matter how much I looped, the pain of death didn't disappear; it remained as a sensation even after the loop, and the memory persisted.
Not only that, but I didn't even know if this damn loop ability worked infinitely.
There might be a limit to the number of times, or it might have only worked because I unknowingly cleared some condition twice.
If I failed to clear that condition, I might not loop. Life must be cherished.
Dying is so terrifyingly painful that the final time I actually die will be more than enough.
Thwack!! Along with a sensation like a gust of wind, I felt pain in my side. Crash!! I tumbled across the ground, flying several meters.
Cough, I clutched the area where I was hit and trembled on the ground. It hurts... This is no joke, it really hurts.
I never dreamed that the fact that blood didn't come out with my involuntary cough would feel so strange.
When I raised my head while trembling, Benkei was standing leisurely with his weapon held high.
"You are all talk. No strength, no speed, and you cannot even use magecraft properly... You are a being close to an ordinary person."
"Then don't get so worked up over every word an ordinary person says. ...Cough, still, for someone who's a hero in the Throne of Heroes to charge in with such a serious face over one word from an ordinary person..."
"It seems that mouth will not stop until you die."
"I'll probably keep talking even if I die, though you probably wouldn't know."
Clutching my side, I forced my body up with something close to spite. This is bad; my legs have completely given out. I could barely manage to raise my upper body.
As if knowing I couldn't move, Benkei walked toward me slowly. Ha, damn it... I can't die like this again.
I can never get used to the pain of the moment of death and that sensation that feels like it's burning through my brain. It's hard to even express how agonizing it is.
...A gamble. Should I try a pathetic struggle? Haaaaah, I took a deep breath.
Benkei looked at me, appearing puzzled.
"What now?"
"HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
There's a free Master right here!! Cu Chulainn! Please!! Don't let that snake woman or the King of Knights Alter show up just because I'm making noise!! Cu Chulainn! You damn Counter Force!!
If you're telling me to handle this, use a bit of that Counter Force you never use and devote yourself to me!!
If I'm retired here, the Human Order is doomed!!
Are you okay with that!? Are you really okay with that!? I don't care! I'll die anyway!!
But it matters to you!!
Help me out a bit! Give my Destiny a buff!! Or even someone who's watching me with Clairvoyance or whatever is fine! I don't know if anyone's watching, but help me.
I said help me. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! I don't want to die!!
Damn it, dying twice was more than enough!!
"How unsightly."
The sight of me screaming, crawling on the ground, sweating profusely, and writhing in pain must look pathetic.
Yes, it is pathetic. I know. But I have no hero-like strength, no talent, no skill, and I wasn't born with anything.
How could someone like me do something an ordinary person could never achieve with elegance?
I can worry about my ruined image later. If I die, it's over.
Therefore, I will struggle by any means necessary. I don't want to die, I don't want to die. Never.
"There is no one anywhere to help you! Give up now!"
"No, there might be."
"What?"
"........."
Someone was standing on the debris of a collapsed building. ...No joke, if I were a woman, this was the kind of timing that would make me fall in love instantly.
The blue hair and cheerful impression were so cool it brought tears to my eyes involuntarily.
The way he rested his staff on his neck with both hands was like a painting.
I couldn't even laugh because of the pain, but the man looked at me for a moment, then pointed his staff at the opponent and spoke.
"Well, I'd say this is great timing for both of us."
"You bastard!"
"Become ash along with human karma and calamity."
He didn't ask questions or argue. He cut off all conversation and only did what needed to be done.
Rumble, the ground beneath Benkei's feet collapsed.
I felt the air grow hot. I didn't know much about the flow of magical energy, but I could tell something was moving. Even a novice mage like me could understand.
I didn't know what it was, but I understood that something was there. Is this what a real mage granted the Caster class is like?
"Wicker Man!!"
A wooden giant filled with fire—the wooden giant that erupted from the ground crushed Benkei, who had momentarily lost his balance after losing his footing, with both hands.
Boom!! It shoved Benkei, whom it had crushed with both hands, into its chest.
Originally, there would be living sacrifices offered to the gods inside, but there were no such sacrifices inside the Wicker Man manifested as a Noble Phantasm.
Therefore, it moved frantically in search of a sacrifice.
And Benkei, right in front of it, was the perfect sacrifice.
"Aaaaaaaagh!!!!"
Benkei's scream was not a pleasant sound. Not in a disgusting way, but simply uncomfortable.
I didn't have the bizarre taste to enjoy someone's screams... their final moments.
Flash!! The Wicker Man vanished before my eyes as if it had never been there.
And Benkei was nowhere to be seen.
I thought I could faintly see the particles of light unique to when a Servant disappears.
Though even that light was as pitch black as a shadow.
"Right, kid. Setting aside why you're in a place like this, you've got Command Spells. And you don't have a Servant, right?"
When I nodded weakly, Cu Chulainn smiled.
"And I don't have a Master, and since I just used my Noble Phantasm, I'll naturally fade away soon if I don't contract with a Master. So, I'm the one who wants to contract with you, but even in a desperate situation, I can't just pick any Master. Hey, kid. What do you want to do here?"
What do I want to do? My brain isn't working right now.
It hurts like hell... My insides were a mess just from being hit once by a Shadow Servant.
I realized just what kind of monsters Heroic Spirits were.
I also learned that even Servants called B-rank or C-rank could become killing machines that could slaughter humans at will if they put their minds to it.
In the game, people talk about low rarity or high rarity, but it's all pointless. They were all monsters, all powerhouses, all superhumans.
I looked at Cu Chulainn. His eyes, which weren't even slowly judging me, seemed to just be asking a question.
He wasn't rushing me for an answer either.
I breathed slowly, calming the pain. It didn't actually go away, but it felt better than before.
Maybe it was just the adrenaline making me unable to feel the pain.
What should I say? Something that would move a hero...
Should I say something narrative, or something that sounds good even if it's hypocritical? But the person in front of me wasn't just any hero; he was someone who could be called a Great Hero.
Would such a lie work? And even if I told the truth, would my selfish heart appeal to Cu Chulainn?
If either way was a dead end, then perhaps telling the truth had a higher probability.
A lie would be seen through nine times out of ten. I smiled awkwardly at Cu Chulainn and spoke.
"That mastermind guy... I want to punch him... until his teeth fall out."
Huh? My vision blurred, and I fell forward. Cu Chulainn caught me.
Cu Chulainn was wearing a somewhat pleasant smile, as if he had found an interesting toy.
"Nice guts."
***
The black space felt muddy, as if it were sticking to my body.
Every time I breathed, I felt an intense pain as if my insides were burning.
When I finally opened my eyes, I saw the corpses of people who looked as if they had been blown away by some strong impact.
The mouths of those corpses seemed to move, even though they should never have been able to.
They seemed to mumble, You must have known.
No matter how many times I hypnotized myself saying it couldn't be helped, no matter how much I lamented that there was nothing I could do, no matter how much I honestly admitted it was my mistake, the muddiness that clung to my heart and wouldn't disappear seemed to be trying to transform into something strange.
I wasn't active or righteous enough to take responsibility for others' lives, nor was I strong enough to live while ignoring them.
Someone like me—weak, selfish, and only thinking about how to somehow ease the guilt in my heart—would surely be absolutely lacking in 'Destiny.'
"........."
I saw a sky that looked like a fire scene, with hazy smoke drifting up.
As I slowly raised my body, I grimaced at the intense pain in my abdomen.
My dazed mind sharpened instantly, and I realized I had been asleep while sweating profusely.
No, in this case, the expression 'unconscious' might be more accurate than 'asleep.'
Either way, I seemed to be alive. ...I was definitely hit by that Benkei, and then Caster Cu Chulainn appeared and saved me.
I remember that much, but I don't remember what happened after. Did I pass out?
"Oh, you're awake."
Cu Chulainn suddenly tossed an apple he was holding toward me. I caught the apple instinctively.
Is he telling me to eat it?
Come to think of it, the bleeding from my wounds had completely stopped. Seeing that the pain was less than before I passed out, did Cu Chulainn treat me?
Well, even when he was a Lancer, he used various techniques, so it wasn't strange for Caster Cu Chulainn to have even more techniques.
That's why it might be strange to say this, but...
Um... Isn't Caster stronger than Lancer?
"Eat. I've treated your wounds for now, so you won't have to worry about dying."
"Should I call you Caster?"
I stared blankly at the apple I received and asked. Of course, I roughly knew that he was Cu Chulainn and knew his Noble Phantasm's ability and personality.
Still, if I said something like, "Whoa! Cu Chulainn!" as if I knew, it would be easy to get suspected.
If I couldn't make him understand how I knew that, I would lose my only ally.
Cu Chulainn seemed like a basically cheerful and good man, but he was merciless to enemies.
Even if he didn't judge me as an enemy, there was no need to create seeds of suspicion. Cu Chulainn leaned against the wall and spoke.
"Yeah... I'm sorry, but I can't tell you my True Name yet. I'll tell you later if I judge you to be a bit more useful. Actually, I wanted to be summoned as a Lancer, but life doesn't always go the way you want, does it?"
It would be hard for him to trust me, since I appeared suddenly.
Moreover, even if he could trust me, there was a chance I might be put under some magecraft and forced to confess.
Not providing information to a weakling is a good method. Therefore, I didn't press him. I didn't even feel like it.
In the first place, Cu Chulainn was the savior who spared my life, so if he didn't want to say it, it didn't matter if he didn't tell me.
It was as if I already knew anyway.
"I think you're stronger as a Caster."
"What? You haven't even seen me. You remember how I saved you as a Caster just now, right? The one who's even stronger than that is me as a Lancer. Try summoning me as a Lancer if you get the chance later. I'll show you that strength for sure."
Certainly, Lancer Cu Chulainn is strong.
But the Cu Chulainn I remembered was only associated with jokes like 'Lancer died!'
In contrast, the Cu Chulainn who appeared as a Caster showed nothing but competence.
Even the fan-made Berserker Cu Chulainn showed overwhelming strength, so honestly, it was hard to believe Cu Chulainn's words that Lancer was stronger.
I mean, even if his specs are high, his track record is bad.
Isn't it already over when his kill count is either his own Master or himself?
"This kid is looking at me with very suspicious eyes. Don't judge me as a Lancer when you don't even know who I am. Well, fine. That's not what's important right now."
As I took a bite of the apple, Cu Chulainn spoke with a serious expression.
"I don't know who you are or where you came from, but you must at least realize that this situation isn't normal. Moreover, those Command Spells on the back of your hand... it's certain that you're here as a Master. In that sense, I have a proposal."
"I'll take it."
"I haven't said anything yet!"
"It's a contract, right? I'll do it."
I thought I was someone who could do more. When occasional battles occurred between mages, I wasn't unilaterally pushed back.
My Transmutation Magecraft was quite technical, so to speak; depending on how it was used, I could buy time even against someone much stronger than me.
That's why I thought I had some talent for combat.
But I was wrong; it didn't even work against real monsters.
I couldn't do anything against Medusa, who was treated as a weakling in the 5th Holy Grail War, and I was driven to the brink of retirement in one blow by Benkei, who wasn't even that strong a Servant.
In fact, if Cu Chulainn hadn't come, I would have died.
"I have to do the best I can right now. And if I do my best, I have to win. If I fail despite doing my best, I'll just end up as an incompetent person."
"...Hmm."
Cu Chulainn looked at my hand. It was shaking—shaking continuously without stopping.
The memory of dying in the explosion, the memory of dying to Medusa, and the memory of being beaten by Benkei until I was on the verge of death were all stimulating my brain and creating fear.
Even if I luckily managed to pass everything and reach the King of Knights, I didn't know if I could win.
Even Shadow Servants, who were barely B-rank, were at that level.
But was there any way to beat the King of Knights, a Saber who could be called top-class even among A-ranks, and who was also receiving support from the Holy Grail?
This isn't a game, and Mash isn't here like in the game. Haha...
If I had done a bit better, could I have saved Mash? It would have been great if Mash had awakened.
It seemed that for someone selfish and narrow-minded like me, even if I took someone's hand, I couldn't create a beautiful story.
At the point where I failed to revive Mash, my head began to get complicated, wondering if I could endure until the end and what I should do at the very last moment.
And thinking that I had to overcome that, it felt like I was walking into hell of my own accord, making my stomach churn.
I had no confidence, I didn't want to do it, and I wanted someone else to do it for me.
"If you want to run away because you're scared, it's better to do it now. If we contract, the other side will have even less reason to let you live. You're not a hero or anything. You don't have to force yourself to fight. Running away isn't necessarily bad, and no one will blame you for running away in this situation. Well, even if I look like this, I'm a Great Hero, so if we're lucky, I might be able to manage somehow."
"..."
He's a kind person. He even used his Noble Phantasm to save me.
He would probably disappear soon due to a lack of magical energy. Despite that, he was saying he would manage somehow and telling me it wasn't my fault.
I felt a bit guilty for thinking of jokes like 'Lancer died' about such a person.
I clasped my hands together and spoke.
"No, I'll do it."
"...I don't mind as long as I have a Master, but are you really sure? No matter how I look at it, you don't seem to have talent for combat, and you don't seem used to it either. And if I were to ask if your magecraft skills are outstanding, that's not it either. To put it simply, you're ordinary. You could just run away, saying there's nothing you can do?"
"I tried... running away like that once, and it was agonizing enough to kill me."
I think I was naive. I should have thought more. But the result of acting that way sacrificed countless people.
Without knowing the value of life or how agonizing death was, I lived only with the intention of watching, thinking Fujimaru Ritsuka would handle it somehow.
It's selfish, naive, and egoistic...
Despite surviving like that, I turned my eyes away from the corpses I could see, saying it couldn't be helped and there was nothing I could do.
That was agonizing. It hurt; my stomach felt like it was rotting rather than just being twisted.
The face of the already dead Chaldea staff member I saw while running to find Mash flashed through my mind.
I unclasp my hands and clenched my fists.
"If I'm the only one who can do it, if no one else but me can do it."
Who would take my place? Who would do it?
Who would walk this path that's no different from hell?
Unlike me, who has an ability that's practically a blessing as long as my mental state remains intact enough to return upon death, other people are finished if they die.
Even if I cleared this Fuyuki and found someone else with Master aptitude in Chaldea, if that person died, I would think again.
If I had been there instead, maybe no one would have died. I hate that. I really hate it.
I hated most of all thinking, Could I have saved them if I had moved? If I had done it, no one would have been hurt.
At least let me create an 'excuse.'
Let me make it so that 'it couldn't be helped' isn't just a means to protect my mental state through self-hypnosis, but something that truly couldn't be helped.
Let me do my best, let me work hard, and even if I sweat, suffer, and hurt, please don't put any more burden of lives on my back.
I've already had enough.
"I'll do it. If I'm going to regret it whether I do it or not... I'll try it first and then think about it. Besides."
"Besides?"
"The hospitality of the locals here isn't good enough to not kill me just because I'm not a Master."
To the Shadow Servants whose reason had been eroded, I, a moving human, was nothing more than prey.
So of course they would kill me. Whether I was a Master or not didn't matter to them.
They were in a state no different from beasts that killed whatever they saw. There's a saying that just because you speak the same language doesn't mean you can communicate, right?
It was better to think of the Shadow Servants as being no different from Berserkers.
Hearing my words, Cu Chulainn stared at me for a moment, then let out a chuckle.
"...Heh, hahahahaha!!"
Laughing, Cu Chulainn suddenly approached and slapped my back.
"Oof! Wa-Wait! I'm an injured person right now! More importantly, could a Servant please not hit me!? Don't you know the public service announcement that says 'Your prank can kill someone'!?"
"Hey, don't be like that. More importantly, don't use that awkward formal speech."
Cu Chulainn put his hand on my shoulder and laughed cheerfully.
"For someone chicken-hearted, you've got guts. I like you."
Cu Chulainn held out his hand to me. If I reached out and took it now, the contract would be formed.
I would formally become a Master, and Cu Chulainn would become my Servant. If that happened, the other side would...
No, wait. It's not like the Medusa and Benkei I've met so far tried to kill me because I was someone's Master.
Benkei... though it was partly my own doing, he had asked if I had any last words from the start, so he must have intended to kill me anyway.
This mouth of mine definitely has a chronic disease where it'll die if it doesn't see the opponent's expression sour.
I used to get scolded by the Director for this quite often; it's clearly a deep-seated habit.
"I'll ask one more time, are you really sure?"
"I'll... ahem, I'll also ask. If I don't do it here, what's the probability of you clearing this place alone, Caster pal?"
"There's no such thing as absolute in a fight, but honestly, it's close to impossible."
"Then what if I contract here?"
"Well, will it go up by about 0.5%?"
I smiled at those words for some reason. 0.5%... Is that the value of my life?
No, actually, considering the difference in power, he might have evaluated me very highly.
The only benefit of my existence was that Cu Chulainn could continue to exist.
In fact, from Cu Chulainn's perspective, there might even be a disadvantage in that he has to protect me, which is a nuisance.
I gave a bitter smile and took Cu Chulainn's hand.
"0.5% is a chance!"
"That's the spirit! I'm in your care, Master."
Probably... one life won't be enough.
Really... from the bottom of my heart, I truly didn't want to die.
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