I heard it clearly—the sound of my heart shattering.
If there had been even a single way out, I wouldn't have felt this way. When I was running from Lancer, when I was strategizing against Rider, when I fought Archer, and even when I faced Berserker, I believed there was a path.
And in reality, there was. Even if it was narrow and difficult to traverse, a path definitely existed. But fighting Saber was the first time I felt an insurmountable wall.
If I punch it, my fist bleeds. If I kick it, only my foot hurts. The wall didn't budge an inch; it simply loomed over me, threatening to crush me into dust. With nowhere to retreat, I couldn't see a single option.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
The only thing I can do is keep challenging it. Even if I die here while staring blankly into space, I will just start over again. When I first realized what was happening, I wondered if this ability was a blessing or a curse.
Even now, I'm still a little confused.
But I am certain that the further I walk this path, the more I will think of it as a 'curse.'
...Even after consuming two Command Spells to enhance it, Caster's Noble Phantasm failed to kill Saber instantly. Of course, it wasn't like it did zero damage. If she had stayed there, even Saber might have been in trouble.
But there was no reason for Saber to just wait there. Even if she were somehow hindered, she could escape just by releasing her Noble Phantasm on the spot.
It was a holy violence—a Noble Phantasm forged from a star, reaching out to the far edges of the universe, sweeping away everything in its path.
The despair born from that overwhelming difference in firepower refused to leave my body. To make matters worse, Saber wasn't even going all out. No matter how I looked at it, she fought with indifference, devoid of any passion.
I couldn't win against a Saber like that. Despite having the power to annihilate everything around her, she had held back to the bare minimum under the pretext of a 'test.' It wasn't that she was being kind; it was that we weren't worth her full power.
The Noble Phantasm she used at the end was the same. She used it even though she didn't need to. That fact hurt me more than anything. I had fought with my life on the line against someone who wasn't even trying. And I lost.
Even after landing a direct hit with our maximum possible firepower, Saber had pierced right through that attack and won.
Haha, the original Servants really are on a different level. It's hard to tell who the protagonist is. Based on raw power alone, we were the mid-bosses and she was the main character.
"Eat this."
A piece of grilled meat appeared before my eyes. It seemed Caster had prepared it. I was still crouched on the ground, trembling. It wasn't from the cold, but because an overwhelming terror had been etched into my body.
No, not just my body—that intense light had seared itself into my very soul. The burning pain was so vivid. I didn't have the confidence to face that light that had erased me once again.
I didn't have the confidence to look into those indifferent eyes again.
I had been utterly defeated. Body, mind, and soul—I had lost to that Saber. It wasn't just losing a fight; I had been completely trampled. I was as good as retired.
It wouldn't have been strange if I had declared right then and there that I was giving up my status as a Master. I was terrified of meeting that Saber again. I felt so pathetic that even when I tried to stand up, the image of Saber would flash in my mind and send me back to the ground.
Even begging for my life felt meaningless.
Meeting her eyes was scary; her very existence had become the definition of fear for me. In this state, I might as well be considered dead weight.
I can't fight.
"I... cough, cough!"
"Hey, what's wrong? You haven't even eaten yet, so how can you have indigestion?"
I clutched my head and let out a hollow laugh.
...It wasn't my imagination. Just like before, and the time before that, whenever I tried to mention the fact that I return to the past when I die, I was forcibly stopped.
It was as if the moisture had vanished from my throat, physically blocking my speech. I picked up a small stone and tried to write on the dirt floor. I tried to write: 'I return when I die.'
Immediately, my hand stopped moving as if time itself had frozen. No matter how hard I tried to force it, it wouldn't budge an inch. When I tried to use my other hand to move it, that hand stopped moving as well.
...Ha. I let out a small, bitter laugh and dropped the stone. There was no way to communicate it. No, even if I could, what would change? Whether I tried dozens or hundreds of times, I didn't have the confidence to win.
In my mind, she had already become an immutable, immortal, and eternal existence.
[I don't really understand, but just eat. Your stomach isn't in great shape, so chew thoroughly. It would be better if you ate something like porridge, but for the sake of your energy and mental health, eating something tasty might be better. You can have a proper meal for recovery once you get back here. ...That's what Romani told me to tell you.]
I lifted my exhausted face and looked at the Director.
"Why... why aren't you yelling at me at a time like this? You usually get mad over the most trivial things."
If only she had blamed me, shouted at me, or criticized me to get up right now...
I could have used that criticism as an excuse to completely break down. But she wouldn't even allow me that. The Director was still just looking at me. She didn't raise her voice, and there wasn't a hint of hostility in her eyes.
Because I've regressed, I can understand this version of myself. I have those memories clearly. But on the other hand, the Director, the Chaldea staff, and Caster don't know that I possess a power that reaches the domain of True Magic—the ability to turn back time.
So why aren't you asking me any questions? Tell me, ask me what the hell I'm doing!
Criticize me! Blame me!
Scream at me not to be so pathetic! If this is something I have to do, then force this mission upon me!! ...Then I can break down in peace.
I could crumble under that small bit of pressure. ...But why are you just standing there, reaching out your hand to me when I'm on the verge of collapsing? I want you to act like you always do.
But why... why now, of all times, when I'm at my lowest, are you reaching out? Your timing is too good.
[You're doing well enough.]
The Doctor chimed in, looking at me with concern. Doing well? You'd be appalled if you knew how many times I've failed.
I even failed before I even entered the Singularity. Can you still say I'm doing well after knowing that?
[You've made it this far. You haven't given up until now. So, it's okay to rest a little. Saber isn't moving from that spot. If we don't go to her, she won't come to us first. So take a break. Should I send a pillow through the supply line? I heard some people can't sleep without their own pillow.]
"..."
That kindness was painful. It hurt because it was so agonizing.
I couldn't understand why they were being so kind to me now. People who would normally ask what I was doing were looking at me with faces that seemed to understand my situation—a situation they couldn't possibly understand. The unspeakable pain seemed to ease just a little.
And that was terrifying.
Even the thought of standing up again to challenge Saber was terrifying. I just wanted to close my eyes. I wanted to dream a dream from which I would never wake.
If there was a way to escape, I wanted to run toward it. Even if it was a path through roaring flames, I would have gladly sprinted down it, thinking it was a thousand times better than fighting Saber.
Ah, I hate this. ...I don't want to fight.
I didn't want to stand up anymore.
[Romani is right. ...Rest for a bit. Even if they're Shadow Servants, you've defeated foes that transcend humanity. Now only one remains, and she's an incredibly powerful enemy. So take a break. I'm giving you the official authority to slack off, okay?]
[Director, wouldn't that mean it's not slacking off?]
[...You're right, then let's just call it a break. ...You asked why I wasn't getting angry like usual? Look at your face in a mirror or something right now. You look so wretched that even a murderer who has killed countless people would feel pity for you. Did I look so cruel that I would scream at someone in that state?]
"...Yes."
[Yes!? Did you just say 'yes'!?]
[Director! Calm down! Honestly, it's hard to say you're 100% not like that!]
[Romani, pay cut.]
Romani made a face like he was about to burst into tears. At that sight, a hollow laugh escaped my lips despite myself.
This place was hell, humanity was extinct, and the only ones left were the fewer than a hundred people at Chaldea—yet it was absurd that I could still smile at such a familiar scene.
Seeing my hollow laugh, the Director cleared her throat and spoke to me.
[Anyway, get some rest. When you're tired, all sorts of strange thoughts tend to creep in. There's a saying that a sound mind dwells in a sound body. Looking at your face, you need some rest. After eating something good and sleeping comfortably, you'll look a bit more presentable. Chaldea is already ordering you to walk over hellfire. In that case, I'll leave the method, the timing, and all other final decisions to you, not me.]
"..."
[Our Organization for the Preservation of the Human Order, Chaldea, is the final bastion of humanity, but the majority of that role falls on you. ...Don't break. Others might, but you cannot. It would be better for the situation if I were the one to break instead.]
"........."
Out of an instinctive rejection, I reached out and cut off the communication. What on earth did I show this person?
Did I show her great hope? Does she truly believe that I can do it? I thought I could do it, too. I thought things would work out somehow. But that thing was beyond help.
My body wouldn't listen because of the fear, and I could feel the overwhelming difference in power seeping into my very soul.
I never wanted to experience that again. As I stared blankly at the grilled meat with a complicated expression, Caster crouched down to match my eye level.
"Dying is a scary thing, isn't it?"
"Yeah... it's scary. Pain is scary, too. My body still hurts so much. ...I'm just a half-wit who happened to learn magecraft by chance from an old man. I don't know any proper magecraft. I've never experienced war, fighting, life-and-death situations, pain, tension, or bloodlust. I think I did my best. When I fought Berserker, I thought my heart was going to stop. For a guy who usually gets bored and gives up easily, I think I held out for quite a long time. I did well for someone like me."
"Yeah, you did well. You're fragile and a coward. But even so, you weren't a craven. You're a warrior who stood tall, took my life into your hands, and survived. You said dying is scary? If a situation comes where you have to die... I'll die with you."
"..."
"If there's a way to win by sacrificing you, I'll give up on the fight and die the moment you do."
"...What kind of nonsense is that? This isn't about the Human Order or anything like that. You're a warrior, right? Is that okay for a brave warrior? I thought you were someone who cared about a hero's pride. Who am I, and how long has it been since we met, for you to throw away that hero's pride you kept talking about just for me?"
" I haven't thrown it away. If anything, I'm choosing the path that protects my pride. Listen well, Master. ...I will conquer this Singularity with you. I won't conquer a Singularity where you aren't present. I won't win, and I won't move forward. I'll just stay here in this burning Fuyuki with you. ...No one will blame you. That's why you can't break. I'm slowly getting to know the person you are. ...It would be useless to tell you not to be afraid. So, I'll say this instead. ...Help me."
Caster looked at me with a serious expression. My fear-stricken face was reflected in his eyes. What a pathetic sight.
...Is he saying that after seeing this pathetic face? Cu Chulainn was someone who cared deeply about a hero's pride. In fact, it was that very pride that put him at odds with Archer.
Yet, he was saying he would choose the path of winning with me over that pride. No, rather, he was saying that only by being with me could he protect his pride as a hero.
...No matter how I looked at it, I didn't feel like I was worth that much.
The fact that I fought with my life on the line was a mindset that the warriors Cu Chulainn met in his lifetime possessed as if it were a passive trait. I could understand him being interested in me for having it, but I couldn't understand why he would go this far.
...He was even asking me for help. To the confused me, Caster said:
"I have no intention of moving forward without you. But I want to win. I want to conquer this Singularity. ...So help me. Master, I need your strength to conquer this Singularity. The courage to move forward even when crushed by fear is the most beautiful thing of all. You possess that kind of courage. The amount of time we've spent together doesn't matter now. You and I are comrades who have entrusted our lives to each other. I can't abandon a comrade like that. If you really hate it, you can use a Command Spell to tell me to go alone."
Caster slowly reached out his hand to me.
"I'll keep reaching out my hand. Tell me when you feel like taking it."
"...We can't win. No matter how much Caster and I combine our strength, it's impossible. I'm not saying you're weak. I know better than anyone how strong you are. Having been saved by that strength and having my life spared multiple times, I understand it better than anyone. ...But even so, we can't win. For example, even if I used all my remaining Command Spells to enhance your Noble Phantasm, that damn Saber would just break through it like it was nothing. She'll swing that fancy Holy Sword forged from a star and escape. Since I used Command Spells to enhance it, she might get hurt. But that monster generates mana just by breathing, and she even has ownership of the Greater Grail! Even if we wound her, she'll just regenerate like it's nothing!! That infinite mana! That overwhelming physical ability! That Noble Phantasm with firepower that no one can afford to underestimate! On the other hand, what do we have!? No matter how strong Caster is, I'm pathetic! I can't even provide mana properly, and even with Chaldea's help, it's miserable!! ...I can't think of a way to win. I don't know what to do. I'm lost, and I'm surrounded by walls on all sides. ...There's no path forward. Caster, isn't that right? ...Why?"
He just kept his hand extended and listened to my words. I couldn't understand him.
"I've shown you such a pathetic side, so you can just give up on me. Oh, really? Then I'll go on alone from here. ...It would be right for you to just leave cleanly like that. Or does seeing my foolish and pathetic self not make you think anything?"
"You know it well, don't you?"
"...What?"
"The fact that you're foolish and pathetic. Now that you know that, it's fine. No path forward? Listen well. Humans have always created paths. The first person to walk those paths always suffered the most. You are now the first to walk a path where not even a footprint of the Human Order remains. It will be hard, bitter, and painful—literally, a pain equivalent to death will always try to gnaw at you. That's why you say there's no path. But you are walking a path. You're just under the illusion that it's blocked because it's pitch black, you can't see anything, and there isn't a single ray of light. ...There is a way. You're standing here after completing the conquest of the Shadow Servants, which seemed impossible."
Caster gave a cheerful smile. That reliable smile he always wore had supported my crumbling spirit time and time again.
Seeing that same smile now, I didn't know what to do. I was already a broken man, so why to someone like me...
"And above all, 'doing something no one else can do'... has romance. Doesn't it, kid?"
I was so flabbergasted by those words that I shot back a question.
"...Are you telling me to throw away my life for romance?"
"That's just the kind of creature a man is."
"Don't force your Ulster ways on me. I'm a pacifist."
I looked at my arms. The trembling had subsided. If—if I were to challenge it one more time, could I succeed? I didn't think I could get used to those movements.
I didn't think I could develop a resistance to those attacks.
I didn't think I could endure that pain. No matter how many times I challenged it, unless Caster also accumulated experience, it wouldn't make sense. What's impossible is impossible, and the overwhelming difference in power between us and the other side couldn't be filled by anything.
No matter how much I racked my brain, nothing came to mind. If it really wasn't that I was surrounded on all sides, but just that I was under the illusion that I was blocked because it was pitch black, then I wanted someone to show me a single ray of light.
Show me a light that proves I can still walk.
"..."
I slowly raised my head and looked at the Greater Grail, which was visible even from here.
...Then I turned my gaze to my Command Spells, with two strokes remaining. The overwhelming power gap, a way to bridge it, the Greater Grail, Saber, Servants, methods, means, summoning, Chaldea—when should I use these Command Spells?
...As I sat there, something glittered at the edge of my vision. I crawled halfway toward it and picked it up. The object, which seemed to glow with rainbow colors, felt strangely familiar.
Caster let out a curious "Hmm?" and looked at what I was holding with a strange expression.
"A strange object. I feel a considerable amount of magical energy from it."
"...A Saint Quartz."
"Saint Quartz?"
Beep. I pressed the communication button. The Director was looking at the screen as if she had been waiting.
The Director's gaze was fixed on my face, but soon her eyes widened in surprise at what I was holding in my hand.
[You, where did you get that...?]
"I just picked it up. ...Director, I want to ask you one thing."
[...I'll answer. Speak.]
The Director had been momentarily surprised by the Saint Quartz, but she quickly focused on me, thinking she should pay more attention to my question.
It felt like the first time the Director had focused on me this much, even though we had worked at the same place for quite a while.
I looked at the Saint Quartz, let out a hollow laugh, and spoke to the Director.
"If I conquer Fuyuki, I want you to make me a handmade lunch. I think I could find the strength to work hard if you did."
[...What!? What are you talking about!? I was listening so seriously, you know!?]
"I'm being serious, too. Ah, for someone like me who's never had any luck with girls, a handmade lunch from a woman is meaningful. Are you really going to refuse? I think I'm going to fall into despair. Saber is so scary. Sob, sob."
[You, really...]
"Or what, you don't know how to cook?"
[I can cook, okay!? Who do you think I am!?]
"Right," I said as I slowly stood up. Honestly, I'm still scared of Saber. I didn't think I could win even if I challenged her again. In fact, even if I did win, until the fear of that Saber faded from within me...
No, would it ever fade?
I'm confident I'll live the rest of my life trembling, and if the day ever comes when she's summoned to Chaldea, I'll probably foam at the mouth and faint. I tossed the Saint Quartz up and caught it as if playing with it.
"Then it's a promise?"
"Hahahaha!! Not bad! Kid! That's the spirit! A handmade lunch from a woman is a romance in its own right! ...Are you saying you'll take my hand again for that romance?"
"...I'm not confident. If I meet Saber and break down, just give up on me cleanly."
"Sure. I'll hold onto your back and endure until the end."
"You really don't listen, do you?"
"That's not something a Master who wrecks his own body on the front lines should say."
I took Caster's still-extended hand. Would it really be okay? No matter how I thought about it, it was a gamble. I didn't know if it was possible.
But it wasn't like there was zero possibility. Besides, even if I failed, there was nothing to lose. So, I'll do it. I'll do everything I can.
...I didn't want to lose the light I had finally found. If I lost even this hope, I might really die. As if he felt my trembling, Caster gripped my arm tighter and spoke.
"Man, I've met a troublesome Master. I thought you had bipolar disorder or something."
"Ah... well, um."
How should I answer that?
As I was wondering, Caster turned around as if he hadn't expected an answer.
I took a bite of the perfectly cooked meat. It was delicious; the seasoning was just right. Caster is a good cook, too. Aside from his Ulster ways being a bit much, wouldn't he be the perfect husband candidate?
Well, they say he has no luck with good women, but he's constantly involved with the likes of Scathach and Medb, so it would be stranger if he wasn't a good man.
[Listen, I'm glad you've cheered up, but if you're thinking of using that Saint Quartz for the Chaldea Summoning System, you'd better forget it. It's true that you use Saint Quartz found in Singularities, but as I said, 80% of Chaldea's functions are currently offline. The only Heroic Spirit we have here is fixing it. Even if that weren't the case, we can't send a Servant over to you right now.]
"It's fine, I can use this later. ...The method I just thought of isn't that. It's a bit of a gamble, but surprisingly, the odds might not be zero. Anyway, there's no harm in trying. If it succeeds, we'll gain a powerful force."
I looked toward the Greater Grail. She was waiting there, striking a pose...
You're waiting, aren't you, Saber-sama?
...I'm scared! I feel like I'm going to wet myself just imagining it! I could understand why Artoria Pendragon was able to live as a man in that form.
Seeing her beat down monsters at the very front of the battlefield with that body, you'd have no choice but to acknowledge her. If you didn't, what would you do? Get hit by the Holy Sword and then acknowledge her? In the first place, quite a few people noticed she was a woman, but what were they going to do about it?
This is a Holy Sword; it turns people into dust. Even if you were unhappy about it, keeping your mouth shut was the best course of action.
It would be terrifying if she appeared before you as an enemy after you tried some nonsense to bring down the monarchy.
"Just you wait, King of Knights. ...I'll break that indifferent expression of yours."
I smiled at the faint sense of anticipation, wondering if I could really do it.
...But seriously, I still don't get why a beam comes out of a sword. What on earth were the Sabers of the old era?
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