“Gyutaro, your greed is unmistakable. Yet, at the very core of that greed, I cannot glimpse your true self.”
It was true that hatred and avarice, impossible to conceal, shimmered in his eyes.
A hatred for the world; a desire to seize everything for himself.
I do not know precisely what kind of life he endured to wear such eyes.
Recalling our first meeting, he must have survived a world harsher than I could ever imagine.
But.
In Gyutaro’s actions, I perceived no trace of himself.
This man, who would plunder all things, never wielded his greed for his own sake.
Even at our first encounter, he swung his sickle only to defend Ume.
Even when he piled up meat at mealtime, he always yielded it to Ume.
In every deed, Ume was ever present.
If one were to gather that greed into a single person, it would not be Gyutaro himself.
It would take the shape of Ume.
A promise.
My simple-minded little sister may not recall, but there was a promise I made with Ume in our childhood.
When our mother—once our only guardian—perished from syphilis, we wandered without a roof over our heads.
It was the dead of winter, and the only thing we had to rely on was a tattered straw cloak.
So we clung together, sharing each other’s warmth just to endure.
Yet even that was not enough, and Ume suffered greatly.
Thus, wrapping the cloak around the shivering Ume, I made a vow.
“The two of us, together, are the strongest.”
We two are as one.
“Neither cold nor hunger matters at all.”
So whatever may come, we shall never part.
“I promise: forever together. Never to part. Now, you aren't afraid of anything, right?”
That promise.
In hindsight, I wonder if it became the very shackle that bound her.
If it were you… you might have walked a different path from mine.
The reason I could not answer Nari so easily, the reason I cannot claim that the greed I bore as Gyutaro was mine alone…
My deepest regret is…
“Brother!”
“Because Ume is different!”
“Different, you say?”
My life had already been laid bare before Nari.
No matter how much I tried to hide, he would find out anyway.
I thought I might as well just speak.
“I have no regrets about becoming a demon!”
I do not regret it.
Even if I were born a thousand times, I would still choose to become a demon.
But Ume… would she not have been different?
Had she served in a finer establishment, she would have been a proper oiran.
From childhood, she was so beautiful that even grown adults would stop and gaze.
Had she been born to ordinary parents, she would have been a simple, happy young lady.
You were that beautiful—ordinary parents would have cherished you.
Had you been born into a better family, you might have been an elegant lady of society.
And in that world, there would have been no ugly me.
It would have been all the more perfect.
For you, with your candid nature, were easily shaped by your surroundings.
Only because I raised you did you become this way.
Only because I stood by your side did you come to be this way.
Only because I said I would stay by your side did you end up this way.
In the slums, to survive, one had to seize what belonged to others and fight—that was the only truth.
In that lawless Rashomon, we had to become demons, ruthless and cold, just to survive.
Thus, because I taught you to take before you were taken from, you drove your sickle into a samurai’s eye.
But.
Had you acted submissively, perhaps another path might have opened.
You might have become a samurai’s wife and lived a better life.
You would not have been burned alive.
You wouldn’t have become a demon.
The reason I was so greedy was…
To dress her in finer clothes.
To keep her clean and fair-skinned.
To feed her to her fill and let her sleep under clean bedding.
To give her a home where the wind and rain could not touch her.
Yes.
The greed I held so obsessively was…
It was all for you, Ume.
It is the first time…
I have ever laid bare my innermost heart to anyone.
I had never even confided in Ume.
For to survive in that lawless realm, one must hide one’s true feelings and trample whatever humanity remains, becoming a demon in spirit long before the blood changed.
“I see.”
Nari made no judgment of my story.
He simply gazed at the moon and listened from beginning to end.
“But tell me, why is there no 'you' in that picture?”
No me?
“Why do you think you would not have changed? Had you been in a finer house, you might have become a respected yojimbo; born to ordinary parents, a simple commoner; born into a noble family, a stalwart samurai. Why do you think you could not have been those things? And do you know what that means?”
What does it mean?
“You believe that your presence holds no value in Ume’s life.”
What do you know, pray tell?
“Well, I do not believe that…”
A surge of anger welled up in my throat.
I seized him by the lapel.
“What do you know to prate about such things!?”
I gripped his collar with all my strength and forced his face close to mine.
That look in his eyes, as if he knew everything.
That tone grated upon my nerves something fierce.
Have you ever starved?
Have you ever trembled in the biting cold?
Have you ever been called vermin, a fool, a dull-witted imbecile, or a worthless wretch?
You have never known such things.
Don’t you dare look at me as if you understand me!
“If only I had not been there, Ume’s life would have been different!! If only I had not been there!!”
I barked out my true feelings.
If only I had not been there.
If only Gyutaro had not existed.
Ume could have reached a better fate.
She would not have been burned.
Yet even as I held him by the collar, he spoke in a calm, steady tone.
“I know.”
What?
“I know nothing of the life you two led. But what I do know is the sight of Gyutaro as a brother.”
“I too had a younger sibling, one who outshone me in every way—though they were missing a screw or two.”
You say you had a sibling?
A brother worse off than his sister…
It’s so neat, almost contrived, isn’t it?
Holding the wrist that gripped his lapel, he looked me squarely in the eyes and continued.
“Just as in your world there was nobody but Ume, in Ume’s world there was no one but you. If you, her brother, do not even realize what I see, then what use are you? Do you really think Ume’s life would have improved in your absence? Spare me such nonsense, Gyutaro.”
His voice grew louder, more commanding.
“You think that if you hadn’t been there, Ume’s life would have been different? No—because you were there, Ume had someone to run to. Do not throw your own worth into the dirt.”
The man seethed with a different kind of anger.
He, too, was blaming me—just as our mother once did.
His gaze drifted deeper, as though scolding my very soul.
“If you’re going to blame the world, then do it properly. Why do you blame the world, yet never blame the world you created for yourself?”
Those words pierced me like a dagger.
“You said Ume would be different had she been born elsewhere? Why do you think you would not be?”
He cut me off and spoke matter-of-factly.
“Did you not say it yourself? That in the slums, to survive you must plunder and fight? That in the lawless Rashomon, you had to become a demon, ruthless to survive?”
His words drained the strength from me before I even realized it.
“People change, Gyutaro. Depending on the environment they endure, one might become a man or a demon—that is the essence of humanity.”
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